Perspective

So after my little pity party last night I went onto to Facebook to get my mind off of everything. While scrolling through my home page I found a touching video of a little girl singing to her mother who has cancer. If you haven't seen the video it is absolutely heart breaking.

The little girl McKenna sings a Martina McBride's song entitled "I'm Going to Love You Through It." The song is all about loving someone going through cancer. In the initial video McKenna surprised her mom by singing the song to her, but since then she sings it to her all the time.

Ellen Degeneres saw a video of her singing to her mom and then invited them onto her show. Ellen also invited Martina McBride to join McKenna in singing it to her mom.

If you haven't seen it here is the link:

 http://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/news/a47977/girl-sings-to-mom-fighting-cancer-on-ellen/

Talk about putting things into perspective!

Does it suck that Chris and I haven't been able to get pregnant again? YES!!!

Does it hurt every single day? YES!!

Do I wish that I could something to change it? YES!!

Could things be worse? YES!!

As awful as it is, I need to remind myself that we are healthy, that we are in a loving relationship, and that we have the love and support of so many family and friends.

Dark Clouds Looming

For the last few days I have been experiencing lower back pain.

On the weekend, Chris and I were winterizing our backyard, and for the last couple of days I kept trying to convince myself that it was because of the yard work that I was experiencing the pain.

Unfortunately, I know that I typically get lower back pain a week before I start my period.

Today all the doubt and worry came crashing down on me and I found myself crying while driving home from work. I just couldn't shake the feeling that yet again it wasn't going to work for us.

When I got home and walked into the door I scared poor Chris half to death.

After explaining what I was feeling he did exactly the right thing... he just held me.

After our hugging session I went to the washroom only to find red spotting... a lot of red spotting!

Definitely not what I was hoping to see!

I feel so frustrated, angry and unbelievably sad. 

I want to yell and scream about the unfairness of our situation. I want to lay on the floor and kick and scream like a two year old. But mostly, I want someone to give me a magical pill which will let us conceive and be able to stay pregnant.

So tonight I'm letting myself cry.

And if I need to I'll let myself cry again tomorrow... and the next night... and the next...

Until eventually I can build myself back up again.

Crazy Dreams

Overall I have felt much more calm this cycle then I did my previous one. Having gone through the process once before, I had less anxiety in giving myself the shots, and I also felt better knowing what to expect each step along the way.

I have been feeling pretty proud of my 'calmness'. That was until the last couple of nights that have been filled with vivid dreams. Now you should know that I rarely remember my dreams. If fact, I only remember one dream every couple of months... if that!

While searching dreams online I found the following quote:

“Dreams allow us to process information or events that may be painful or confusing in an environment that is at once emotionally real but physically unreal.”

Hmm... maybe I haven't been as 'calm' as I thought I was.

The website also talks about how our dreams reveal our “deepest desires and deepest wounds.”  Well considering the fact that all the dreams I have been experiencing have to do with me being pregnant I can agree with that statement!

The most vivid dream that I experienced was one in which I was at work. My good friend and colleague was asking me how I was feeling and I responded that I was feeling ok except for a strange feeling in my lower left abdomen. I then put my hands on the spot and immediately felt a strong pulsation as though I could feel a heartbeat.

Of course that would be completely impossible and yes... I would absolutely love it if it was true!

Thankful

On Saturday, Chris and I hosted Thanksgiving dinner at our house. With my family living in New Brunswick and Chris's parents in B.C., we decided to invite a few of our friends to join us.

What a wonderful evening!

Not only did we have good food to eat (thanks to the help of our friend Matt), but we were also surrounded by great friends who have been so supportive to both me and Chris.


It was a good reminder that we have so much to be grateful for! 

If you are experiencing infertility, it can be easy to slip into the 'oh woe is me' mode. If you are not careful it can out shadow everything else in your life.

While I was getting ready for bed last night, I remembered an Oprah episode in which she was encouraging her audience to keep a daily gratitude journal. The idea was to write down five things that they were grateful for each and every day.

“The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now. And the more grateful you are, the more you get.”

— Oprah Winfrey

Here is a list of just of few of the things that I am grateful for:

1. My partner in everything, Chris
2. My loving family (including my fantastic in-laws!)
3. Our amazing friends
4. Our fur babies (Cujo and Leo)
5. My health, and the health of all my loved ones
6. Living in Canada
7. Actually having a fall this year (In Calgary we often skip fall and go straight to winter)
8. My job, that sometimes can be all consuming, but I couldn't imagine doing anything else
9. The internet, which allows me to stay in contact with my friends and family
10. Curling up with a good book

All Done... Except the Waiting

On Wednesday I went in at 10:30 a.m. and had our IUI procedure done. Like last time, Chris had to go in at 7:30 a.m. to give his sperm sample so that they could wash it before my appointment.

The procedure went well, and I felt much more relaxed after having already experienced it. In fact, this time I only experienced some slight cramping.

If you are interested in reading more details about what happens during an IUI you may want to read my previous post entitled: Fingers Crossed. http://lazzyeggs.blogspot.ca/2015/06/fingers-crossed.html

I know we only have a 20% chance of success, but when I think of the fact that Chris provided 64 million sperm and I provided three eggs; I find it hard to imagine that yet again it might not work.

64 million sperm and three eggs!

It seems almost impossible for it not to work.

The one thing I keep holding on to is that if it doesn't work this time we are planning to give it one more try.

I've started taking the Endometrin three times a day and will also continue taking the low dose asprin. (Endometrin is an effervescent progesterone tablet that is used to prepare the uterine lining so it is ready to receive and nourish a fertilized egg and support early pregnancy.)

It was while I was on the Endometrin that I experienced the most side effects last time. I'm hoping that since I will be working this time, I will be too busy to notice them.

I was also given the paper work to have my pregnancy test done on October 25.  That's 2 and a half weeks or 18 days past the date when I had the procedure... not that I'm counting!

So like last time we're asking for as many well wishes, fingers crossed and prayers that you can provide.

Nerves

This weekend my nerves finally kicked in.

Up until now I have been going along not really thinking too much about the possible outcomes.

Sunday morning I went in at 8:30 to have my blood work and ultrasound done. Because they were extremely busy, I was asked to go back at 10:30 to get my results.

When I went back they told me they wanted me to give myself another round of meds. Then on Monday I was to give myself a shot of Cetrotide to prevent me from ovulating early. At 11:00 p.m. Monday night I would be triggering, and that we would be doing the IUI on Wednesday.

Ever since I have been feeling like a cat on a hot tin roof.  I can't seem to keep my nerves under control.

I guess it's because I'm coming to the point of it being out of my control again.

I have one more shot to take and after Wednesday I will just have to wait and see.

Like last time I am trying to remain 'cautiously optomistic.' Although 20% isn't the best odds, it definitely beats the 5% we have on our own.

First, Second, Third...

Life is filled with so many wierd coincidences.

When I went for my first ultrasound and blood work I was first in line.
 
When I went for my second ultrasound and blood work I was second in line.
 
And yes, you guessed it,  today when I went for my third ultrasound and blood work I was third in line!
 
Such a strange coincidence!
 
I am happy to report that I got good news at my appointment. My follicles are growing nicely. In fact, the doctor on call stated that he thinks I'll be able to trigger Sunday night and have the IUI procedure done on Tuesday.

I have another ultrasound Sunday morning and I will know more then.
 
I can't believe how quickly everything is happening this round. Last time I was told I have slow growing follicles, but the new medication cycle seems to be working better for me.

Finger's crossed this will be the cycle we have been praying for.

Three

I had my second blood work and ultrasound taken on Wednesday. Like during my last cycle they don't make appointments and the appointments are on a first come, first served policy.

One thing that they have recently changed is now they have a container in the main hallway in which they have numbers you can take at 6:00 a.m. and then return at 7:30 when they open.

This means I no longer need to line up in the stairwell. Because I am able to leave, I have been going to the Tim Horton's down the road. (There isn't enough time for me to go home and I've been enjoying having a moment to sit and relax).

My appointment showed that I have three follicles growing... my body seems to like the number three for some reason. That was the exact number I had last time.

I was told to continue taking the meds and to return on Friday (tomorrow) morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork.

So tomorrow I will get up at 5:00 a.m. finger's crossed that I'll get there early enough to get one of the first appointments, and that my results from the ultrasound will be good.