Dark Clouds Looming

For the last few days I have been experiencing lower back pain.

On the weekend, Chris and I were winterizing our backyard, and for the last couple of days I kept trying to convince myself that it was because of the yard work that I was experiencing the pain.

Unfortunately, I know that I typically get lower back pain a week before I start my period.

Today all the doubt and worry came crashing down on me and I found myself crying while driving home from work. I just couldn't shake the feeling that yet again it wasn't going to work for us.

When I got home and walked into the door I scared poor Chris half to death.

After explaining what I was feeling he did exactly the right thing... he just held me.

After our hugging session I went to the washroom only to find red spotting... a lot of red spotting!

Definitely not what I was hoping to see!

I feel so frustrated, angry and unbelievably sad. 

I want to yell and scream about the unfairness of our situation. I want to lay on the floor and kick and scream like a two year old. But mostly, I want someone to give me a magical pill which will let us conceive and be able to stay pregnant.

So tonight I'm letting myself cry.

And if I need to I'll let myself cry again tomorrow... and the next night... and the next...

Until eventually I can build myself back up again.