It's Official

I got the call from the clinic this morning confirming that I am not

pregnant. 

The lady I was talking to was very kind and let me know that I should stop taking the Endrometrin and low dose Aspirin. She also told me that my period should start within a week or two.

Having found that out I've decided to go home to visit my family right away. I had been thinking I would wait until after our anniversary, but Chris is able to get that week off so he will come out and join me. 

Going home now won't interfere with my next appointment at the clinic or prevent us from trying again my next cycle.

I am also looking forward to going home as I know I will be surrounded by the love and comfort of my family. It'll be good to get away.

B.F.N.

Chris and I took a home pregnancy test this morning and unfortunately...

it was a BFN or a big fat negative!

To be honest I wasn't surprised, but I am so very disappointed.

As soon as I started experiencing lower back pain I knew that this wasn't going to be our month, although, part of me was hoping that I was wrong.

So after a long cry, I am now beginning the process of building myself back up again.

I am grateful that I did experience the lower back pain so that I had a bit of a warning that it wasn't going to work this month. As painful as it was to see the negative test this morning; I can't imagine how I would have felt if I didn't have any pre-warning at all.

Tomorrow morning I will get the official call from the fertility clinic and I am hoping I'll also be able to book an appointment to discuss next steps.

Chris and I already discussed that we are going try again. I think that we will have to wait a month or two, but I'll have to wait to see for sure. I guess I'll have more information once I get to talk with our doctor.

I  have to say I am looking forward to having the next few weeks off... And I definitely will not miss taking the Endometrin three times a day or all its lovely side effects!

In the meantime I will try and eat as healthy as I can and start up a more intense workout routine. Hopefully, that will help me to focus on something else for a change and give a much needed break.

Feeling Discouraged

It is raining today which perfectly matches my mood.

I don't have a good feeling about the success of this cycle. I continue to have lower back pain which I always get the week before I start my period. Yesterday I also noticed a slight discolouration in my discharge (sorry if this is too much information).

It isn't looking good.

I'm trying not to get too discouraged, but to be honest I'm not succeeding.

This morning, I calculated how much we've spent on this cycle. With the refund we received we ended up paying $1700 for the medicated IUI. We also paid $1268.63 for all the different drugs. That makes a total of $2968.63.

Our refund of $5965.00, would cover two more similar rounds.

I just don't know whether or not this is what we should do.

Part of me wonders when we should begin looking at alternatives. I still desperately want Chris and I to have our own biological children, however, I'm beginning to wonder if it is in the cards for us.

The hardest part is not knowing.

If I knew for sure it would work for us I could keep going indefinitely until it happens, but if it isn't going to work I'd rather just move on to the next step.

I wish someone could tell me either way.

I'm grateful that Chris is coming home this evening so that we can talk about all this. He will also be here when I go in for my blood work, although he won't be here for the results. Because of that, I've decided that I will do a home pregnancy test the morning of my blood work.

So two more days... four until I get the official results.

Still Waiting

It is officially two weeks after my IUI. It is also my cycle day 29.

Normally a woman is able to test to see whether or not she is pregnant at this time.

My doctor has ordered me to get my blood work done on Saturday, which will be cycle day 32. By that time there should be no mistaking whether or not I am pregnant. There should be enough HSG hormones in my body that I won't have to worry about a false negative. It also should be long enough past my HSG trigger shot that I won't get a false positive.

I have to confess I almost took a pregnancy test today... in fact I came ridiculously close!

The nurse who performed the IUI told me that I could take a home pregnancy test the morning of my blood work so that I can be prepared. Because I'm having the blood test on Saturday I won't get their results until Monday.

I don't even have the comfort of not having started my period yet because the Endometrin that I am taking stops you from starting your period; along with all its other side effects.

So I find myself in this weird limbo of both wanting to know and also not wanting to find out, because if I don't know there is still a chance.

I haven't decided whether to take the home pregnancy test on Saturday or not. I can't imagine if I took it and it was negative how I would then go in to get the blood work.

So for now I wait... hoping and praying for a miracle.

Faith Rocked

I am Catholic. 

Born, baptized, prayers before bed, Sunday school, First Holy Communion, Confirmation, and married Catholic!

I don't talk about it very often, but I have always had a strong faith. Having said that, I have always considered myself to be more of a spiritual person rather than a 'religious' person. 

Why? 

Well, even though I identify myself as being Catholic, I don't always agree with everything the Catholic Church stands for. For example, I can't agree with their stands against homosexuality, birth control, and women's role, or rather, their lack of a role in the church. 

I do, however,  love a lot of Catholic traditions and I do get great comfort from my faith. 

I would be lying though if I didn't say that my struggles with infertility have been difficult on my faith. It is hard not to wonder why this is happening and why God hasn't answered my prayers. 

I sometimes feel like a spoiled toddler who doesn't understand why her parents aren't giving her what she wants. I even feel sacrilegious just writing this!

I know the saying that all things happen in God's time and I believe in free will. I also don't blame God for natural disasters, disease or the evil that some people commit. 

Although I believe all this, when I'm having my down moments I still struggle. 

I remember years ago getting into a heated debate with a great friend about faith. She thought that the faith of the poor was much stronger, whereas I believed that it was those who have everything, and don't need anything, that had the stronger faith.

What I never took into consideration was how easy it is to have faith when you have lived a blessed life. 

I was born in an amazing country in which I was able to go to school, practice my religion and be treated, more or less, equally to boys. 

I was born into a loving family who told me I was loved on a daily basis.

I always had enough food to eat, clothes to wear, and never truly wanted for anything. 

My life wasn't completely perfect, I did experience the death of loved ones, divorce of my parents, as well as, typical hurts and disappointments; but I am grateful everyday for my life. 

So other than questioning some of the Catholic Church's beliefs, I have always been confident in my faith. 

It really wasn't until I faced this adversity that I began having doubts. 

I haven't lost my faith, but I will say that it was rocked.

After a lot of self-reflection, I have come to realize that maybe I needed this to happen to make my faith stronger. That maybe it is ok to question and think deeper. 

I also know that if Chris and I are lucky enough to have children there will be no doubts that we desperately want them. 

Dreaded Two Week Wait

Ok, I know I've already complained about this waiting period, but I'm

pretty sure if you were to talk to any woman trying to get pregnant she would tell you that it is this two week wait that is the most difficult part of trying to conceive.

The two week wait is the time period between when a woman has ovulated and there is enough pregnancy hormones present in her body that she could take a home pregnancy test. 

This time turns a normally sane woman into frantic, over analyzing, crazy person...Well that's what it does to me anyway!

Here is a list of just some of the crazy things I've done:

* Googled every twinge, ache or pain... several times!

* Squeezed my breasts, several times, to see if they are sore (which surprise - they are - that is they are by the time I've finished checking them!)

* Started a list of possible baby names

* Searched baby nursery ideas

* Gotten excited over an upset stomach

* Prayed, pleaded and begged for this to be the month

* Read other women's success stories

* Not exercised in case I might somehow dislodge the embryo

* Imagined symptoms so strongly I was convinced I must be pregnant

* Googled early pregnancy symptoms... again and again several times!

The one thing that I have stopped myself from doing is testing early... although I am guilty of retesting after having gotten a negative result... just in case!

I am curious... is anyone else guilty of doing any of these... or anything else just as crazy?

If not, please tell me what you do to keep yourself sane!?!

My Imperfect Life

This past week has been difficult, and although I continue to try to remain positive, I have my down moments.

Last night I was having one of those down moments when I received a message on my Messenger account. The message was from a friend that I haven't seen in awhile.

She is a gorgeous mother of two beautiful children so I was surprised to read that she has been following my blog.

She shared with me how she had experienced a scare with her last pregnancy and how she understood the pain of waiting to see what was going to happen.

She also explained how my blog has helped her in an unexpected way:

"...I thought I would let you know that while I realize your blog is aimed toward helping other families experiencing the same things, it has helped me in a different way. The first night I saw your post on Facebook I was having a truly horrible night dealing with a hysterical baby that I just couldn't console. I was at my wits end and had spend most of the night sobbing in the room while pacing back and forth exhausted beyond belief and just feeling like I couldn't do it. When I finally got him to calm down enough to eat I read your blog and it put so much into perspective and gave me the strength I needed to get through it. It was a blessing for me that night..."

I can't begin to explain how much this message touched me. As soon as I read it, I burst into tears.

As I've mentioned in the past, I began this blog as a way to deal with all the emotions that I was experiencing. I had a vague hope that maybe I would also be able to help another woman, a stranger, going through a similar struggle.

I am constantly amazed how my blog has helped to open the door for family and friends to share their experiences. It has affirmed the importance of being transparent, open and honest with your loved ones.

If we only share the good in our lives, when something does go wrong, we are left feeling isolated and alone.

In our social media filled world of Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and Twitter, instead of being more connected we often feel disconnected.

We are all guilty of sharing only our best photos, amazing vacations and personal successes so that by all outward appearances our lives look perfect.

If we let it, Social Media can make us feel like our lives are not good enough, or even worse that we are not good enough.

I hope by sharing my struggles I can be a part of a change. So that everyone who does happen to read my blog realizes that NO, I am not perfect, and it is ok if they aren't perfect either!

Instead of only celebrating the perfect moments in our lives, let's share our real imperfect lives!

Watched Kettle

Have you ever heard the saying: A watched kettle never boils?

That's how I feel about how slowly the time is passing before I get to find out if this IUI was successful or not.

Although it feels as though I had the procedure at least a month ago, it was actually only a week ago today!

I knew that the hardest part would be waiting, but like most things in life, knowing something and experiencing it are two different things!

I didn't think about how much I would be trying to analyze every little cramp or twinge I felt.

As I mentioned yesterday, I have been experiencing lower backaches, which I normally experience the week before my period. This has been really discouraging, but I keep trying to remain positive.

Today I was also experiencing cramping and this evening I have a really upset stomach. These can be symptoms of pregnancy, PMS, as well as common side effects of the Endometrin.

If I don't start my period beforehand, I won't find out for another 11 days! 

Thank goodness for amazing friends and family. Honestly I don't know how I would be able to get through this without all the love and support that I have been receiving.

Backaches and Afternoon Naps

Yesterday, after visiting with friends, I noticed that my lower back was bothering me. Unfortunately, this is a symptom that I normally get the week before I start my period. 

So like always, I immediately went to my friend Google, and began researching backaches and early pregnancy symptoms. 

Here's the thing: Every symptom you search on the internet comes up as an early pregnancy symptom! 


Have a headache? You may be pregnant. 

Feeling tired? You may be pregnant.

Feeling thirsty? You may be pregnant.

And it goes on and on and on!

So, even though lower back discomfort can be an early symptom of pregnancy, it is not a common one. It did make me feel a little better, but I'm not rushing to buy any baby clothes!

This morning I went for a walk with a good friend, her gorgeous little baby and their sweet dog. It was great to see them, and to be able to talk with someone who has been there before. It took my friend 18 months to get pregnant so she understands the fear and anxiety that I experience each month that passes and we don't get pregnant. Seeing her and her daughter also gives me hope!

While on our walk she asked if I was going to take an early pregnancy test. I explained my plan, if I haven't already started my period, is to take a pregnancy test the morning that I go for my blood work.  Although, it won't be for another two weeks, I don't want to end up getting a false positive from the trigger shot. 

The trigger shot of HCG- is made up of human chorionic gonadotropin which is a hormone that I was given to mature and release my eggs. It is also a pregnancy hormone that will give a false positive on a pregnancy test. It can stay in a woman's body for up to two weeks, which is why the nurse suggested I wait until the morning of my blood work.

When I got home I ate lunch, and then because my lower back was bothering me again, I lay down on the couch, and then didn't wake up until an hour later! 

So it seems, like many toddlers, I now need an afternoon nap! 

MIA: Missing In Action

For the last couple of days I have been MIA, Missing In Action. 

Why? I'm not really sure. 

For the past two weeks, I have had so much that I wanted needed to write about. So many things that I wanted to share with other women who were going through the same experiences. 

And then... it stopped!

At first I thought it was because I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to say.

Then last night, I realized that I am afraid!

I'm afraid that by writing about this I will somehow jinx it. I so desperately want this IUI to work, and yet I know that we only have 20% odds of success.

Have you ever had the feeling that you want something too much?

As I mentioned previously, I also know that so many of our friends and family are wishing and praying for this to happen, and I don't want to let anyone else down.

When I had this realization last night I knew I needed to write another post, because I refuse to allow fear to rule me.

I can't promise that I will go back to writing a post everyday, but I will say that whenever I feel like I have something to share, I will.

So here is what I have been doing these past two days:

I have been taking the Endometrin (progesterone) tablets three times a day. Thankfully, the cramps have pretty much stopped, but I am still completely exhausted. In fact, the second day I was on them, all I did was read a book in between naps!

I have also been doing a lot of praying and visualization. I try to visualize the sperm meeting the egg, the egg growing and developing, and a successful implantation.

I bought and have been eating a couple of brazil nuts a day. I've read several studies on the internet which have suggested that brazil nuts contain selenium, a natural antioxidant, which may increase women's chances in conceiving.

I have been drinking lots of water, have visited with friends, and also went to the Stampede!

Maybe going to the Stampede grounds will help- after all- tons of Stampede babies are born every year! :)

Everywhere I Go

Have you ever noticed when you've purchased a new car that all of a sudden you see that car everywhere? Well when you are trying to conceive, it is pregnant women and babies, that you see everywhere you go!

Normally, it doesn't bother me. I love babies and children so usually I can smile and am happy to see them.

Unfortunately, there are some days when it seems to be mocking you. As though everyone in the world is able to have a child except you!

The most painful times were when I was going through my missed miscarriage.

It is called a missed miscarriage because, although something has gone wrong, you don't realize it because your hormone levels haven't gone down yet. Unlike a regular miscarriage I didn't have any bleeding or pain to let me know something was wrong.

In fact, I didn't find out anything was wrong until my first ultrasound and the technician wasn't able to find a heartbeat.

I immediately went to see my doctor, who then sent me to get blood work. In the waiting room I had two pregnant ladies sitting on either side of me. There were also several young children playing quietly around me. I remember sitting there not being able to control the tears from falling down my face.

For the next few weeks, this happened for every appointment and ultrasound I had to attend while trying to find out what was happening.

It was so difficult to be sitting there beside these beautiful women who were glowing in their happiness. It got to the point where I would scan the room before I would sit down.

At my last ultrasound, when I was finally given confirmation that our baby had stopped growing, I had the most beautiful little girl come over, put her hand on my knee and smile at me just before I was called in.

It was such a surreal moment.

I often think about that little girl and wonder how she is.

Side Effects

When I first began this journey I was really concerned about the different side-effects that I might experience. I read about all kinds of crazy side-effects from hot flashes to emotional roller coaster rides. 

I am happy to say that I have experienced very few side effects. The hormones never really gave me the major side effects that heard some ladies experience. I think it may have to do with how a woman typically reacts to her own hormones. I am one of the lucky woman who doesn't typically experience bad PMS.


Yesterday, after my IUI procedure, the nurse told me that I may experience some slight bleeding and some cramps.

Unfortunately I experienced both of these. 

The spotting wasn't a big deal, but the cramps were/are very uncomfortable. In fact I am still experiencing discomfort. 

I have also started my Endometrin this morning. If you didn't read my post yesterday, Endometrin is progesterone which will help to ensure that my uterine lining is ready to receive and nourish a fertilized egg.

The Endometrin comes in a tablet form, and I was given applicators which makes it easier to insert it high enough into my vagina. I will be using these three times a day until either I get a negative pregnancy test or until my 10th week of pregnancy. 

Did I mention that it is an effervescent tablet? 

Picture putting an Alka-Seltzer tablet up your woo-hoo! To say it is an interesting sensation would be an understatement! I also think it may be the fizzing which is adding to my cramping.

I have to wear a panty liner as some of it is discharged... isn't that a sexy thought!

Speaking of SEXY- just take a look at some of the side effects I may experience.

Side Effects of Endometrin include:  abdominal bloating and/or pain, nausea, headache, uterine cramping, vaginal spotting or bleeding, vomiting, constipation, tiredness, breast tenderness and mood swings or irritability. 

They also have less common side effects which include: vaginal itching, vaginal burning, and vaginal discomfort!

Yay!!! Don't they sound like fun?

Have you noticed that quite a few of these side effects are similar to those women experience when they first become pregnant? Nothing like playing with a person's emotions!

I'm hoping, like with the other fertility drugs, I won't experience too many of these side effects.