Normally, it doesn't bother me. I love babies and children so usually I can smile and am happy to see them.
Unfortunately, there are some days when it seems to be mocking you. As though everyone in the world is able to have a child except you!
The most painful times were when I was going through my missed miscarriage.
It is called a missed miscarriage because, although something has gone wrong, you don't realize it because your hormone levels haven't gone down yet. Unlike a regular miscarriage I didn't have any bleeding or pain to let me know something was wrong.
In fact, I didn't find out anything was wrong until my first ultrasound and the technician wasn't able to find a heartbeat.
I immediately went to see my doctor, who then sent me to get blood work. In the waiting room I had two pregnant ladies sitting on either side of me. There were also several young children playing quietly around me. I remember sitting there not being able to control the tears from falling down my face.
For the next few weeks, this happened for every appointment and ultrasound I had to attend while trying to find out what was happening.
It was so difficult to be sitting there beside these beautiful women who were glowing in their happiness. It got to the point where I would scan the room before I would sit down.
At my last ultrasound, when I was finally given confirmation that our baby had stopped growing, I had the most beautiful little girl come over, put her hand on my knee and smile at me just before I was called in.
It was such a surreal moment.
I often think about that little girl and wonder how she is.
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