Faith Rocked

I am Catholic. 

Born, baptized, prayers before bed, Sunday school, First Holy Communion, Confirmation, and married Catholic!

I don't talk about it very often, but I have always had a strong faith. Having said that, I have always considered myself to be more of a spiritual person rather than a 'religious' person. 

Why? 

Well, even though I identify myself as being Catholic, I don't always agree with everything the Catholic Church stands for. For example, I can't agree with their stands against homosexuality, birth control, and women's role, or rather, their lack of a role in the church. 

I do, however,  love a lot of Catholic traditions and I do get great comfort from my faith. 

I would be lying though if I didn't say that my struggles with infertility have been difficult on my faith. It is hard not to wonder why this is happening and why God hasn't answered my prayers. 

I sometimes feel like a spoiled toddler who doesn't understand why her parents aren't giving her what she wants. I even feel sacrilegious just writing this!

I know the saying that all things happen in God's time and I believe in free will. I also don't blame God for natural disasters, disease or the evil that some people commit. 

Although I believe all this, when I'm having my down moments I still struggle. 

I remember years ago getting into a heated debate with a great friend about faith. She thought that the faith of the poor was much stronger, whereas I believed that it was those who have everything, and don't need anything, that had the stronger faith.

What I never took into consideration was how easy it is to have faith when you have lived a blessed life. 

I was born in an amazing country in which I was able to go to school, practice my religion and be treated, more or less, equally to boys. 

I was born into a loving family who told me I was loved on a daily basis.

I always had enough food to eat, clothes to wear, and never truly wanted for anything. 

My life wasn't completely perfect, I did experience the death of loved ones, divorce of my parents, as well as, typical hurts and disappointments; but I am grateful everyday for my life. 

So other than questioning some of the Catholic Church's beliefs, I have always been confident in my faith. 

It really wasn't until I faced this adversity that I began having doubts. 

I haven't lost my faith, but I will say that it was rocked.

After a lot of self-reflection, I have come to realize that maybe I needed this to happen to make my faith stronger. That maybe it is ok to question and think deeper. 

I also know that if Chris and I are lucky enough to have children there will be no doubts that we desperately want them.