Not Giving Up

I've had a few people ask me whether or not I was going to keep trying to

conceive, and if so was I going to keep writing my blog.

Chris and I are definitely going to keep trying!

And yes, I will still keep on writing... not everyday, but whenever I feel I have something to share or just need to vent. Just because it didn't work for us the first time I don't want to stop writing. I think it is just as important to share our failures as our successes.

So what's the plan?

Well, along with following my nutrition plan, I also have an appointment to meet with our doctor at the Calgary Regional Fertility Centre on September 10.

We are planning to try IVF again. The appointment will be to discuss what it will look like this time. Often if it doesn't work the first time they will try a different protocol.

I`m not sure what it will look like this time, but at least I know I can handle the injections.

My husband Chris is getting really impatient and we had a huge argument last evening over the length of time its taking.

Experiencing infertility can be a real strain on a relationship.

We have to keep reminding ourselves that we are both upset, we both want this to happen, and that we are in this together!

Much Needed Break

I can't believe that five weeks have passed since I wrote my last post! 

During that time I had a wonderful visit home. It was so good to go home and spend time with my family. I had a good cry with my mom and then enjoyed not thinking, worrying or obsessing about trying to get pregnant!

While I was home I also went to see a naturopathic doctor. I heard about him through my mom's friend whose brother went to see him when he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Her brother is now healthy, happy and cancer free.

He gave me a plan to get me healthy, lower my blood pressure and hopefully be able to conceive.

It involves eating vegan- no meat, fish, dairy, or eggs.

Last year I ate vegan for a couple of months and my blood pressure went down significantly. After I stopped my blood pressure rose back up again.

As well as eating vegan, I also drink two 16 oz vegetable juices and two orange juice, spinach, flax seed, chlorophyll and omega 3, 6, and 9 oil shakes a day.

There are also a few other things I do such as drinking 2 oz of aloe vera juice, using digestive enzymes, and drinking a mixture of lemon juice and baking soda.

So far it has been going well, although, in the beginning I was doing all of the juicing throughout the day as I needed it. It took so much time that I felt like I was trying to live my life in between juicing and cleaning the juicing machine. Now I do a bunch of juicing all at once and freeze the juice so I can thaw it as I need it.

I also have to say thank goodness for Pinterest! I have found so many great vegan recipes. I've been eating Thai curries, veggie burgers, salads, soups... everything I've tried so far has been delicious.

Reality Check: I love meat and seafood. I know that it is very unlikely that I will never eat a steak or have a lobster again. So my plan is to eat completely vegan for the next couple of months to check my blood pressure. After that I am planning to occasionally treat myself. I'll probably eat vegan on a 80%-20% or 90%-10% rate.

It's Official

I got the call from the clinic this morning confirming that I am not

pregnant. 

The lady I was talking to was very kind and let me know that I should stop taking the Endrometrin and low dose Aspirin. She also told me that my period should start within a week or two.

Having found that out I've decided to go home to visit my family right away. I had been thinking I would wait until after our anniversary, but Chris is able to get that week off so he will come out and join me. 

Going home now won't interfere with my next appointment at the clinic or prevent us from trying again my next cycle.

I am also looking forward to going home as I know I will be surrounded by the love and comfort of my family. It'll be good to get away.

B.F.N.

Chris and I took a home pregnancy test this morning and unfortunately...

it was a BFN or a big fat negative!

To be honest I wasn't surprised, but I am so very disappointed.

As soon as I started experiencing lower back pain I knew that this wasn't going to be our month, although, part of me was hoping that I was wrong.

So after a long cry, I am now beginning the process of building myself back up again.

I am grateful that I did experience the lower back pain so that I had a bit of a warning that it wasn't going to work this month. As painful as it was to see the negative test this morning; I can't imagine how I would have felt if I didn't have any pre-warning at all.

Tomorrow morning I will get the official call from the fertility clinic and I am hoping I'll also be able to book an appointment to discuss next steps.

Chris and I already discussed that we are going try again. I think that we will have to wait a month or two, but I'll have to wait to see for sure. I guess I'll have more information once I get to talk with our doctor.

I  have to say I am looking forward to having the next few weeks off... And I definitely will not miss taking the Endometrin three times a day or all its lovely side effects!

In the meantime I will try and eat as healthy as I can and start up a more intense workout routine. Hopefully, that will help me to focus on something else for a change and give a much needed break.

Feeling Discouraged

It is raining today which perfectly matches my mood.

I don't have a good feeling about the success of this cycle. I continue to have lower back pain which I always get the week before I start my period. Yesterday I also noticed a slight discolouration in my discharge (sorry if this is too much information).

It isn't looking good.

I'm trying not to get too discouraged, but to be honest I'm not succeeding.

This morning, I calculated how much we've spent on this cycle. With the refund we received we ended up paying $1700 for the medicated IUI. We also paid $1268.63 for all the different drugs. That makes a total of $2968.63.

Our refund of $5965.00, would cover two more similar rounds.

I just don't know whether or not this is what we should do.

Part of me wonders when we should begin looking at alternatives. I still desperately want Chris and I to have our own biological children, however, I'm beginning to wonder if it is in the cards for us.

The hardest part is not knowing.

If I knew for sure it would work for us I could keep going indefinitely until it happens, but if it isn't going to work I'd rather just move on to the next step.

I wish someone could tell me either way.

I'm grateful that Chris is coming home this evening so that we can talk about all this. He will also be here when I go in for my blood work, although he won't be here for the results. Because of that, I've decided that I will do a home pregnancy test the morning of my blood work.

So two more days... four until I get the official results.

Still Waiting

It is officially two weeks after my IUI. It is also my cycle day 29.

Normally a woman is able to test to see whether or not she is pregnant at this time.

My doctor has ordered me to get my blood work done on Saturday, which will be cycle day 32. By that time there should be no mistaking whether or not I am pregnant. There should be enough HSG hormones in my body that I won't have to worry about a false negative. It also should be long enough past my HSG trigger shot that I won't get a false positive.

I have to confess I almost took a pregnancy test today... in fact I came ridiculously close!

The nurse who performed the IUI told me that I could take a home pregnancy test the morning of my blood work so that I can be prepared. Because I'm having the blood test on Saturday I won't get their results until Monday.

I don't even have the comfort of not having started my period yet because the Endometrin that I am taking stops you from starting your period; along with all its other side effects.

So I find myself in this weird limbo of both wanting to know and also not wanting to find out, because if I don't know there is still a chance.

I haven't decided whether to take the home pregnancy test on Saturday or not. I can't imagine if I took it and it was negative how I would then go in to get the blood work.

So for now I wait... hoping and praying for a miracle.

Faith Rocked

I am Catholic. 

Born, baptized, prayers before bed, Sunday school, First Holy Communion, Confirmation, and married Catholic!

I don't talk about it very often, but I have always had a strong faith. Having said that, I have always considered myself to be more of a spiritual person rather than a 'religious' person. 

Why? 

Well, even though I identify myself as being Catholic, I don't always agree with everything the Catholic Church stands for. For example, I can't agree with their stands against homosexuality, birth control, and women's role, or rather, their lack of a role in the church. 

I do, however,  love a lot of Catholic traditions and I do get great comfort from my faith. 

I would be lying though if I didn't say that my struggles with infertility have been difficult on my faith. It is hard not to wonder why this is happening and why God hasn't answered my prayers. 

I sometimes feel like a spoiled toddler who doesn't understand why her parents aren't giving her what she wants. I even feel sacrilegious just writing this!

I know the saying that all things happen in God's time and I believe in free will. I also don't blame God for natural disasters, disease or the evil that some people commit. 

Although I believe all this, when I'm having my down moments I still struggle. 

I remember years ago getting into a heated debate with a great friend about faith. She thought that the faith of the poor was much stronger, whereas I believed that it was those who have everything, and don't need anything, that had the stronger faith.

What I never took into consideration was how easy it is to have faith when you have lived a blessed life. 

I was born in an amazing country in which I was able to go to school, practice my religion and be treated, more or less, equally to boys. 

I was born into a loving family who told me I was loved on a daily basis.

I always had enough food to eat, clothes to wear, and never truly wanted for anything. 

My life wasn't completely perfect, I did experience the death of loved ones, divorce of my parents, as well as, typical hurts and disappointments; but I am grateful everyday for my life. 

So other than questioning some of the Catholic Church's beliefs, I have always been confident in my faith. 

It really wasn't until I faced this adversity that I began having doubts. 

I haven't lost my faith, but I will say that it was rocked.

After a lot of self-reflection, I have come to realize that maybe I needed this to happen to make my faith stronger. That maybe it is ok to question and think deeper. 

I also know that if Chris and I are lucky enough to have children there will be no doubts that we desperately want them.