Uterine Fibroids

I had my vaginal ultrasound and sonohysterogram on Tuesday. As I mentioned in my last post the sonohysterogram is a painful procedure, but one that can help doctors to discover why a woman may be experiencing infertility.

Not only did I discover that I have fibroids, but I also received some unexpected news. It turns out that one of them is spanning almost the full way across my uterus. Although the doctor isn't concerned about it for my health; she did say that it could possibly interfer with an embryo implanting.

If like me you don't know what uterine fibroids are I looked them up on trusty old google and here is what I found out:

"Uterine fibroids are noncancerous growths that develop in or just outside a woman’s uterus (womb). Uterine fibroids develop from normal uterus muscle cells that start growing abnormally. As the cells grow, they form a benign tumor...  Uterine fibroids are extremely common. In fact, many women have uterine fibroids at some point in life. Uterine fibroids in most women are usually too small to cause any problems, or even be noticed." WebMD

She then told me it was up to me whether I wanted to go ahead with our last round or have surgery to have it removed first. In order to have the best possible chance she recommended that I have the surgery.

So that is exactly what I have decided to have done.

I received a phone call from the clinic today to let me know that they have scheduled me in for March 2nd. They are going to send me an information package to let me know more about the procedure and prep.

I know that it is only a day surgery so although I'm a little nervous I feel pretty good about having it done. I will probably only have to miss a couple of days from work and there should be minimal pain and/or cramping.

Part of me wonders how long I've had this particular fibroid and if it is the reason the last two sessions didn't work.

I'll be glad to be going into the last try knowing that I have done everything I possibly can to make this round successful!

Next Steps

I've had quite a few people message me to ask what our next steps are going to be.

Let me start by apologizing for not posting sooner. As I have been using this as a personal journal, I forgot about friends who don't see me every day who have been following my blog to keep informed of our fertility journey.

At my last appointment I told our fertility specialist that Chris and I were going to give IUI/IVF one last try.

Our doctor suggested that before we try another round that I get another ultrasound as well another sonohysterogram. The ultrasound I was not concern about, however, the sonohysterogram is another story. The last time I had it done it was really painful and I was hoping that I wouldn't have to do it again.

If you have never had to experience a sonohysterogram consider yourself lucky! Here is a run down of the procedure: After a vaginal ultrasound my doctor will inject sterile water into my uterus and fallopian tubes via a narrow tube inserted through my cervix. The procedure checks for polyps, fibroids, lesions, masses, defects or scarring which could interfere with fertility.

I read online that most women don't experience very much discomfort with the procedure. I believe the reason I experienced so much pain was because my left fallopian tube seemed to be partially blocked. By having me move around on the table they were able to get the water out of it, but to say it was not fun would be an understatement.

I don't really need to prep for the procedure other than to take an antibiotic twice a day starting the day before the procedure. They also recommend that you take two Aleves an hour before.

I had to call them on the first day of my period to book the appointment. I got the call yesterday that they were able to get me an appointment for next Wednesday. Until then we need to prevent pregnancy (shouldn't be a problem!) and I also need to take a pregnancy test the morning of the procedure just in case.

If everything looks ok after the procdure we will go ahead with another medicated IUI round with the understanding that I would switch to IVF if we got enough egg follicles.

Here's hoping that the third time's the charm!

Unsuccessful

I know it has been quite awhile since my last post and I'm sure that not

surprising that our last round was unsuccessful.

As disappointing as it is, I have started building myself back up again.

Chris and I have already decided to wait to try again after Christmas. I need to give myself a break both physically and mentally.

I also know how my brain works and if we try before Christmas I will keep thinking about how it would make a great Christmas present.

I go back to the Calgary Regional Fertility Centre on November 25 for my next appointment with our doctor. This appointment will be to discuss what our next protocol will be.

In the meantime, I will continue to try to eat well and exercise on a regular basis.  Even if it doesn't help me to get pregnant getting healthy is always a good thing. I have been doing well on the eating front and haven't had much trouble not eating meat or dairy.

I am still struggling to keep a regular exercise regiment. That will be my next focus.

Perspective

So after my little pity party last night I went onto to Facebook to get my mind off of everything. While scrolling through my home page I found a touching video of a little girl singing to her mother who has cancer. If you haven't seen the video it is absolutely heart breaking.

The little girl McKenna sings a Martina McBride's song entitled "I'm Going to Love You Through It." The song is all about loving someone going through cancer. In the initial video McKenna surprised her mom by singing the song to her, but since then she sings it to her all the time.

Ellen Degeneres saw a video of her singing to her mom and then invited them onto her show. Ellen also invited Martina McBride to join McKenna in singing it to her mom.

If you haven't seen it here is the link:

 http://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/news/a47977/girl-sings-to-mom-fighting-cancer-on-ellen/

Talk about putting things into perspective!

Does it suck that Chris and I haven't been able to get pregnant again? YES!!!

Does it hurt every single day? YES!!

Do I wish that I could something to change it? YES!!

Could things be worse? YES!!

As awful as it is, I need to remind myself that we are healthy, that we are in a loving relationship, and that we have the love and support of so many family and friends.

Dark Clouds Looming

For the last few days I have been experiencing lower back pain.

On the weekend, Chris and I were winterizing our backyard, and for the last couple of days I kept trying to convince myself that it was because of the yard work that I was experiencing the pain.

Unfortunately, I know that I typically get lower back pain a week before I start my period.

Today all the doubt and worry came crashing down on me and I found myself crying while driving home from work. I just couldn't shake the feeling that yet again it wasn't going to work for us.

When I got home and walked into the door I scared poor Chris half to death.

After explaining what I was feeling he did exactly the right thing... he just held me.

After our hugging session I went to the washroom only to find red spotting... a lot of red spotting!

Definitely not what I was hoping to see!

I feel so frustrated, angry and unbelievably sad. 

I want to yell and scream about the unfairness of our situation. I want to lay on the floor and kick and scream like a two year old. But mostly, I want someone to give me a magical pill which will let us conceive and be able to stay pregnant.

So tonight I'm letting myself cry.

And if I need to I'll let myself cry again tomorrow... and the next night... and the next...

Until eventually I can build myself back up again.

Crazy Dreams

Overall I have felt much more calm this cycle then I did my previous one. Having gone through the process once before, I had less anxiety in giving myself the shots, and I also felt better knowing what to expect each step along the way.

I have been feeling pretty proud of my 'calmness'. That was until the last couple of nights that have been filled with vivid dreams. Now you should know that I rarely remember my dreams. If fact, I only remember one dream every couple of months... if that!

While searching dreams online I found the following quote:

“Dreams allow us to process information or events that may be painful or confusing in an environment that is at once emotionally real but physically unreal.”

Hmm... maybe I haven't been as 'calm' as I thought I was.

The website also talks about how our dreams reveal our “deepest desires and deepest wounds.”  Well considering the fact that all the dreams I have been experiencing have to do with me being pregnant I can agree with that statement!

The most vivid dream that I experienced was one in which I was at work. My good friend and colleague was asking me how I was feeling and I responded that I was feeling ok except for a strange feeling in my lower left abdomen. I then put my hands on the spot and immediately felt a strong pulsation as though I could feel a heartbeat.

Of course that would be completely impossible and yes... I would absolutely love it if it was true!

Thankful

On Saturday, Chris and I hosted Thanksgiving dinner at our house. With my family living in New Brunswick and Chris's parents in B.C., we decided to invite a few of our friends to join us.

What a wonderful evening!

Not only did we have good food to eat (thanks to the help of our friend Matt), but we were also surrounded by great friends who have been so supportive to both me and Chris.


It was a good reminder that we have so much to be grateful for! 

If you are experiencing infertility, it can be easy to slip into the 'oh woe is me' mode. If you are not careful it can out shadow everything else in your life.

While I was getting ready for bed last night, I remembered an Oprah episode in which she was encouraging her audience to keep a daily gratitude journal. The idea was to write down five things that they were grateful for each and every day.

“The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now. And the more grateful you are, the more you get.”

— Oprah Winfrey

Here is a list of just of few of the things that I am grateful for:

1. My partner in everything, Chris
2. My loving family (including my fantastic in-laws!)
3. Our amazing friends
4. Our fur babies (Cujo and Leo)
5. My health, and the health of all my loved ones
6. Living in Canada
7. Actually having a fall this year (In Calgary we often skip fall and go straight to winter)
8. My job, that sometimes can be all consuming, but I couldn't imagine doing anything else
9. The internet, which allows me to stay in contact with my friends and family
10. Curling up with a good book

All Done... Except the Waiting

On Wednesday I went in at 10:30 a.m. and had our IUI procedure done. Like last time, Chris had to go in at 7:30 a.m. to give his sperm sample so that they could wash it before my appointment.

The procedure went well, and I felt much more relaxed after having already experienced it. In fact, this time I only experienced some slight cramping.

If you are interested in reading more details about what happens during an IUI you may want to read my previous post entitled: Fingers Crossed. http://lazzyeggs.blogspot.ca/2015/06/fingers-crossed.html

I know we only have a 20% chance of success, but when I think of the fact that Chris provided 64 million sperm and I provided three eggs; I find it hard to imagine that yet again it might not work.

64 million sperm and three eggs!

It seems almost impossible for it not to work.

The one thing I keep holding on to is that if it doesn't work this time we are planning to give it one more try.

I've started taking the Endometrin three times a day and will also continue taking the low dose asprin. (Endometrin is an effervescent progesterone tablet that is used to prepare the uterine lining so it is ready to receive and nourish a fertilized egg and support early pregnancy.)

It was while I was on the Endometrin that I experienced the most side effects last time. I'm hoping that since I will be working this time, I will be too busy to notice them.

I was also given the paper work to have my pregnancy test done on October 25.  That's 2 and a half weeks or 18 days past the date when I had the procedure... not that I'm counting!

So like last time we're asking for as many well wishes, fingers crossed and prayers that you can provide.

Nerves

This weekend my nerves finally kicked in.

Up until now I have been going along not really thinking too much about the possible outcomes.

Sunday morning I went in at 8:30 to have my blood work and ultrasound done. Because they were extremely busy, I was asked to go back at 10:30 to get my results.

When I went back they told me they wanted me to give myself another round of meds. Then on Monday I was to give myself a shot of Cetrotide to prevent me from ovulating early. At 11:00 p.m. Monday night I would be triggering, and that we would be doing the IUI on Wednesday.

Ever since I have been feeling like a cat on a hot tin roof.  I can't seem to keep my nerves under control.

I guess it's because I'm coming to the point of it being out of my control again.

I have one more shot to take and after Wednesday I will just have to wait and see.

Like last time I am trying to remain 'cautiously optomistic.' Although 20% isn't the best odds, it definitely beats the 5% we have on our own.

First, Second, Third...

Life is filled with so many wierd coincidences.

When I went for my first ultrasound and blood work I was first in line.
 
When I went for my second ultrasound and blood work I was second in line.
 
And yes, you guessed it,  today when I went for my third ultrasound and blood work I was third in line!
 
Such a strange coincidence!
 
I am happy to report that I got good news at my appointment. My follicles are growing nicely. In fact, the doctor on call stated that he thinks I'll be able to trigger Sunday night and have the IUI procedure done on Tuesday.

I have another ultrasound Sunday morning and I will know more then.
 
I can't believe how quickly everything is happening this round. Last time I was told I have slow growing follicles, but the new medication cycle seems to be working better for me.

Finger's crossed this will be the cycle we have been praying for.

Three

I had my second blood work and ultrasound taken on Wednesday. Like during my last cycle they don't make appointments and the appointments are on a first come, first served policy.

One thing that they have recently changed is now they have a container in the main hallway in which they have numbers you can take at 6:00 a.m. and then return at 7:30 when they open.

This means I no longer need to line up in the stairwell. Because I am able to leave, I have been going to the Tim Horton's down the road. (There isn't enough time for me to go home and I've been enjoying having a moment to sit and relax).

My appointment showed that I have three follicles growing... my body seems to like the number three for some reason. That was the exact number I had last time.

I was told to continue taking the meds and to return on Friday (tomorrow) morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork.

So tomorrow I will get up at 5:00 a.m. finger's crossed that I'll get there early enough to get one of the first appointments, and that my results from the ultrasound will be good.

Unnecessary Panic

As I mentioned before, I am now taking my shots at 1:00 p.m.

This means that I am having to take my shots at work.

Now I don't mind taking the shots in public as I did it a few times last time, however, the last (only) two times I've done it - something has gone wrong.

The first day I had a little left in my first Gonal F pen so I needed to bring another one with me. Unfortunately, I accidentally took the wrong Gonal F pen out of the fridge.

Instead of one of the 900 IU pens, I grabbed the 300 IU pen. This was an issue because I needed to take 450 IUs.

I ended up not getting 12.5 IUs. Because I was at work and couldn't just grab another pen I was feeling panicked.  I called the Pharmacy right away, but of course it went straight to their recording.

I didn't hear back from them so I rushed home right after work, took another pen out of the fridge and cranked it to 12.5.

Guess what? 

It turns out 12.5 IUs is a minuscule amount... But I still took it just in case (even though it was four hours after when I was supposed to take it).

After that I immediately got out a new pen, double checked it,  and got everything else ready for the next day. I put everything into one of our reusable shopping bags so it would be ready to go the next day.

Fast forward to 12:50 the next day- I go to grab my meds out of my bag and realize I grabbed the wrong bag!!!! In a panic I jumped in my car and drove as fast as I could to get home.

Murphy's Law I ended up behind 4 dump trucks... Not kidding! Not just one, but four!

Needless to say it was the quickest I've ever taken my shots!

Thankfully both times everything turned out ok.

p.s. I now have a bright yellow bag that I am planning to put my meds in so that I don't accidentally take the wrong bag again!

New Schedule

So this time around my schedule and the drugs that I am taking are slightly different. 

To begin with, I didn't do a month of birth control first. Instead as soon as I started my period I called it in and then the next day went in for my baseline ultrasound and blood work.

The ultrasound showed that I had a cyst on my left ovary, but my bloodwork showed that it wasn't producing estrogen so it was ok for me to go ahead this month.

So for the next four days I take 450 IUs of Gonal F and 150 IUs of Menopur. I also take one low dose Asprin.

Then, on Wednesday I go in for another ultrasound and bloodwork to see how my body is responding.

After that, depending on how my body is responding, I will also start taking 0.25 mg of Cetrotide to prevent my body from ovulating early. The Centrotide needs to be taken at 1:00 p.m..

I will continue the three different drugs for about 10 more days. (around Oct. 10th). If everything looks good then I will do the trigger shot and then I would do the HGC trigger shot and then around 35 hours later do the insemination.

*This month I am only taking one shot of Gonal F and Menopur a day. I'm taking them at 1:00 p.m. instead of 7:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. like last time.

This means I am having to do the shots at work rather than at home. Luckily I've found taking the shots is kind of like riding a bike... you don't forget!

Here We Go... Again

It's funny how difficult it is to put into words the myriad of emotions

I have been experiencing the last few weeks.

I am happy to be trying again, worried, and I also wonder if I should have waited another month so that hopefully my healthy eating will somehow provide the miracle we are so desperately hoping for. 

I had a difficult time after our first appointment this round.

Looking back, I realize I started getting emotional before I even got to our appointment. Then, after our doctor reviewed what happened last time, I was a mess.

Our doctor reiterated that I had been on the highest drugs possible but had been a 'poor responder'. She then asked what we wanted to do. Did we wanted to try again or did we want to move onto next steps. 

We decided that we wanted to try a couple more times before moving on and using an embryo from another couple.

I guess I had been hoping for some enthusiasm from her, but we really didn't get any. ( I understand that she deals with infertile couples constantly and that she can't guarantee anything, but a little bit of optimism would have been appreciated.)

After the appointment I was feeling really defeated and guilty. As I have mentioned before, I have struggled with the fact that I may be preventing Chris from having his own biological child. 

The one blessing that came out of all this was that Chris and I had a really good discussion after we got home. I asked him if we weren't able to get pregnant if he would want for us to use an egg from my sister, or a stranger, so that it would be his own biological child. Without hesitation, Chris responded no because no matter what it would be OUR child and he didn't care if it had our DNA. 

As my good friend Jane said, I picked a good one!

I can't even begin to express how much stress lifted off of me. 

So here we are starting our second round. I've had my first blood work and ultrasound which turned out ok. I have a cyst on my left ovary, however, it isn't producing estrogen so we were good to go. 

I've taken two days of shots and have my next blood work and ultrasound on Wednesday. Here's hoping for better results this time around.

You're Doing What?

I have had a lot of strong reactions when I've told people that I am eating 'vegan'. I've heard every comment from: 'why,' 'are you crazy,' the ever popular 'I could never do that,' and I even got one 'that's awesome'!

Most people are very supportive when I explain that I am doing it for health reasons.

I have been eating 'vegan' for just over a month and so far it has been going really well. Pinterest has been amazing. I honestly don't know if I would have been able to do it without all the delicous recipes I have been able to find. I especially love all the curries!

Eating out hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be. I've been out a few times now and each time I was able to easily find something that I thought was vegan. (There are normally vegetarian options at most restaurants and Asian restaurants are especially easy.)

I am hoping that by eating vegan I will be able to lower my blood pressure and make my body strong and healthy so that hopefully we will have better chances for our next IVF/IUI round.

Now that I have my eating organized and under control, I've also started working out again. I find working out in the morning works best because, to be honest, by the time I get home from work, make supper and clean up I'm exhausted!

* I need to clarify that although I am not eating any meat, fish or dairy products I am not necessarily eating vegan. For example: I just found out that most wines use animal products in their fining process. I having been using the term vegan because I didn't realize or understand the many facets of veganism.

Have You Ever Thought About Adoption?

While going through this process Chris and I have had several friends 

and family members ask us if we have considered adoption.

And the truth is yes we have considered adoption, but we are just not ready to give up the hope of having our own biological child.

I remember when I was younger thinking that if I wasn't able to have a child of my own I would just adopt. As if it would be an easy decision with no emotional baggage. 

How neive I was.

So for now we are planning to try at least another couple of attempts of IVF or IUI depending on how my body reacts.

If it doesn't work out for us then we have a few different options:

* Using the donated embryo of another couple 
* Adoption
* Live without children

At this moment we are thinking that we would like to try using the donated embryo of another couple. Although, the child would not be biologically ours, I would carry the child and there seems like there would be a lot less legal issues. 

As with everything in life this is a journey and we don't know what tomorrow will bring so we just keep taking it one step at a time.

Not Giving Up

I've had a few people ask me whether or not I was going to keep trying to

conceive, and if so was I going to keep writing my blog.

Chris and I are definitely going to keep trying!

And yes, I will still keep on writing... not everyday, but whenever I feel I have something to share or just need to vent. Just because it didn't work for us the first time I don't want to stop writing. I think it is just as important to share our failures as our successes.

So what's the plan?

Well, along with following my nutrition plan, I also have an appointment to meet with our doctor at the Calgary Regional Fertility Centre on September 10.

We are planning to try IVF again. The appointment will be to discuss what it will look like this time. Often if it doesn't work the first time they will try a different protocol.

I`m not sure what it will look like this time, but at least I know I can handle the injections.

My husband Chris is getting really impatient and we had a huge argument last evening over the length of time its taking.

Experiencing infertility can be a real strain on a relationship.

We have to keep reminding ourselves that we are both upset, we both want this to happen, and that we are in this together!

Much Needed Break

I can't believe that five weeks have passed since I wrote my last post! 

During that time I had a wonderful visit home. It was so good to go home and spend time with my family. I had a good cry with my mom and then enjoyed not thinking, worrying or obsessing about trying to get pregnant!

While I was home I also went to see a naturopathic doctor. I heard about him through my mom's friend whose brother went to see him when he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Her brother is now healthy, happy and cancer free.

He gave me a plan to get me healthy, lower my blood pressure and hopefully be able to conceive.

It involves eating vegan- no meat, fish, dairy, or eggs.

Last year I ate vegan for a couple of months and my blood pressure went down significantly. After I stopped my blood pressure rose back up again.

As well as eating vegan, I also drink two 16 oz vegetable juices and two orange juice, spinach, flax seed, chlorophyll and omega 3, 6, and 9 oil shakes a day.

There are also a few other things I do such as drinking 2 oz of aloe vera juice, using digestive enzymes, and drinking a mixture of lemon juice and baking soda.

So far it has been going well, although, in the beginning I was doing all of the juicing throughout the day as I needed it. It took so much time that I felt like I was trying to live my life in between juicing and cleaning the juicing machine. Now I do a bunch of juicing all at once and freeze the juice so I can thaw it as I need it.

I also have to say thank goodness for Pinterest! I have found so many great vegan recipes. I've been eating Thai curries, veggie burgers, salads, soups... everything I've tried so far has been delicious.

Reality Check: I love meat and seafood. I know that it is very unlikely that I will never eat a steak or have a lobster again. So my plan is to eat completely vegan for the next couple of months to check my blood pressure. After that I am planning to occasionally treat myself. I'll probably eat vegan on a 80%-20% or 90%-10% rate.

It's Official

I got the call from the clinic this morning confirming that I am not

pregnant. 

The lady I was talking to was very kind and let me know that I should stop taking the Endrometrin and low dose Aspirin. She also told me that my period should start within a week or two.

Having found that out I've decided to go home to visit my family right away. I had been thinking I would wait until after our anniversary, but Chris is able to get that week off so he will come out and join me. 

Going home now won't interfere with my next appointment at the clinic or prevent us from trying again my next cycle.

I am also looking forward to going home as I know I will be surrounded by the love and comfort of my family. It'll be good to get away.

B.F.N.

Chris and I took a home pregnancy test this morning and unfortunately...

it was a BFN or a big fat negative!

To be honest I wasn't surprised, but I am so very disappointed.

As soon as I started experiencing lower back pain I knew that this wasn't going to be our month, although, part of me was hoping that I was wrong.

So after a long cry, I am now beginning the process of building myself back up again.

I am grateful that I did experience the lower back pain so that I had a bit of a warning that it wasn't going to work this month. As painful as it was to see the negative test this morning; I can't imagine how I would have felt if I didn't have any pre-warning at all.

Tomorrow morning I will get the official call from the fertility clinic and I am hoping I'll also be able to book an appointment to discuss next steps.

Chris and I already discussed that we are going try again. I think that we will have to wait a month or two, but I'll have to wait to see for sure. I guess I'll have more information once I get to talk with our doctor.

I  have to say I am looking forward to having the next few weeks off... And I definitely will not miss taking the Endometrin three times a day or all its lovely side effects!

In the meantime I will try and eat as healthy as I can and start up a more intense workout routine. Hopefully, that will help me to focus on something else for a change and give a much needed break.

Feeling Discouraged

It is raining today which perfectly matches my mood.

I don't have a good feeling about the success of this cycle. I continue to have lower back pain which I always get the week before I start my period. Yesterday I also noticed a slight discolouration in my discharge (sorry if this is too much information).

It isn't looking good.

I'm trying not to get too discouraged, but to be honest I'm not succeeding.

This morning, I calculated how much we've spent on this cycle. With the refund we received we ended up paying $1700 for the medicated IUI. We also paid $1268.63 for all the different drugs. That makes a total of $2968.63.

Our refund of $5965.00, would cover two more similar rounds.

I just don't know whether or not this is what we should do.

Part of me wonders when we should begin looking at alternatives. I still desperately want Chris and I to have our own biological children, however, I'm beginning to wonder if it is in the cards for us.

The hardest part is not knowing.

If I knew for sure it would work for us I could keep going indefinitely until it happens, but if it isn't going to work I'd rather just move on to the next step.

I wish someone could tell me either way.

I'm grateful that Chris is coming home this evening so that we can talk about all this. He will also be here when I go in for my blood work, although he won't be here for the results. Because of that, I've decided that I will do a home pregnancy test the morning of my blood work.

So two more days... four until I get the official results.

Still Waiting

It is officially two weeks after my IUI. It is also my cycle day 29.

Normally a woman is able to test to see whether or not she is pregnant at this time.

My doctor has ordered me to get my blood work done on Saturday, which will be cycle day 32. By that time there should be no mistaking whether or not I am pregnant. There should be enough HSG hormones in my body that I won't have to worry about a false negative. It also should be long enough past my HSG trigger shot that I won't get a false positive.

I have to confess I almost took a pregnancy test today... in fact I came ridiculously close!

The nurse who performed the IUI told me that I could take a home pregnancy test the morning of my blood work so that I can be prepared. Because I'm having the blood test on Saturday I won't get their results until Monday.

I don't even have the comfort of not having started my period yet because the Endometrin that I am taking stops you from starting your period; along with all its other side effects.

So I find myself in this weird limbo of both wanting to know and also not wanting to find out, because if I don't know there is still a chance.

I haven't decided whether to take the home pregnancy test on Saturday or not. I can't imagine if I took it and it was negative how I would then go in to get the blood work.

So for now I wait... hoping and praying for a miracle.

Faith Rocked

I am Catholic. 

Born, baptized, prayers before bed, Sunday school, First Holy Communion, Confirmation, and married Catholic!

I don't talk about it very often, but I have always had a strong faith. Having said that, I have always considered myself to be more of a spiritual person rather than a 'religious' person. 

Why? 

Well, even though I identify myself as being Catholic, I don't always agree with everything the Catholic Church stands for. For example, I can't agree with their stands against homosexuality, birth control, and women's role, or rather, their lack of a role in the church. 

I do, however,  love a lot of Catholic traditions and I do get great comfort from my faith. 

I would be lying though if I didn't say that my struggles with infertility have been difficult on my faith. It is hard not to wonder why this is happening and why God hasn't answered my prayers. 

I sometimes feel like a spoiled toddler who doesn't understand why her parents aren't giving her what she wants. I even feel sacrilegious just writing this!

I know the saying that all things happen in God's time and I believe in free will. I also don't blame God for natural disasters, disease or the evil that some people commit. 

Although I believe all this, when I'm having my down moments I still struggle. 

I remember years ago getting into a heated debate with a great friend about faith. She thought that the faith of the poor was much stronger, whereas I believed that it was those who have everything, and don't need anything, that had the stronger faith.

What I never took into consideration was how easy it is to have faith when you have lived a blessed life. 

I was born in an amazing country in which I was able to go to school, practice my religion and be treated, more or less, equally to boys. 

I was born into a loving family who told me I was loved on a daily basis.

I always had enough food to eat, clothes to wear, and never truly wanted for anything. 

My life wasn't completely perfect, I did experience the death of loved ones, divorce of my parents, as well as, typical hurts and disappointments; but I am grateful everyday for my life. 

So other than questioning some of the Catholic Church's beliefs, I have always been confident in my faith. 

It really wasn't until I faced this adversity that I began having doubts. 

I haven't lost my faith, but I will say that it was rocked.

After a lot of self-reflection, I have come to realize that maybe I needed this to happen to make my faith stronger. That maybe it is ok to question and think deeper. 

I also know that if Chris and I are lucky enough to have children there will be no doubts that we desperately want them. 

Dreaded Two Week Wait

Ok, I know I've already complained about this waiting period, but I'm

pretty sure if you were to talk to any woman trying to get pregnant she would tell you that it is this two week wait that is the most difficult part of trying to conceive.

The two week wait is the time period between when a woman has ovulated and there is enough pregnancy hormones present in her body that she could take a home pregnancy test. 

This time turns a normally sane woman into frantic, over analyzing, crazy person...Well that's what it does to me anyway!

Here is a list of just some of the crazy things I've done:

* Googled every twinge, ache or pain... several times!

* Squeezed my breasts, several times, to see if they are sore (which surprise - they are - that is they are by the time I've finished checking them!)

* Started a list of possible baby names

* Searched baby nursery ideas

* Gotten excited over an upset stomach

* Prayed, pleaded and begged for this to be the month

* Read other women's success stories

* Not exercised in case I might somehow dislodge the embryo

* Imagined symptoms so strongly I was convinced I must be pregnant

* Googled early pregnancy symptoms... again and again several times!

The one thing that I have stopped myself from doing is testing early... although I am guilty of retesting after having gotten a negative result... just in case!

I am curious... is anyone else guilty of doing any of these... or anything else just as crazy?

If not, please tell me what you do to keep yourself sane!?!

My Imperfect Life

This past week has been difficult, and although I continue to try to remain positive, I have my down moments.

Last night I was having one of those down moments when I received a message on my Messenger account. The message was from a friend that I haven't seen in awhile.

She is a gorgeous mother of two beautiful children so I was surprised to read that she has been following my blog.

She shared with me how she had experienced a scare with her last pregnancy and how she understood the pain of waiting to see what was going to happen.

She also explained how my blog has helped her in an unexpected way:

"...I thought I would let you know that while I realize your blog is aimed toward helping other families experiencing the same things, it has helped me in a different way. The first night I saw your post on Facebook I was having a truly horrible night dealing with a hysterical baby that I just couldn't console. I was at my wits end and had spend most of the night sobbing in the room while pacing back and forth exhausted beyond belief and just feeling like I couldn't do it. When I finally got him to calm down enough to eat I read your blog and it put so much into perspective and gave me the strength I needed to get through it. It was a blessing for me that night..."

I can't begin to explain how much this message touched me. As soon as I read it, I burst into tears.

As I've mentioned in the past, I began this blog as a way to deal with all the emotions that I was experiencing. I had a vague hope that maybe I would also be able to help another woman, a stranger, going through a similar struggle.

I am constantly amazed how my blog has helped to open the door for family and friends to share their experiences. It has affirmed the importance of being transparent, open and honest with your loved ones.

If we only share the good in our lives, when something does go wrong, we are left feeling isolated and alone.

In our social media filled world of Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and Twitter, instead of being more connected we often feel disconnected.

We are all guilty of sharing only our best photos, amazing vacations and personal successes so that by all outward appearances our lives look perfect.

If we let it, Social Media can make us feel like our lives are not good enough, or even worse that we are not good enough.

I hope by sharing my struggles I can be a part of a change. So that everyone who does happen to read my blog realizes that NO, I am not perfect, and it is ok if they aren't perfect either!

Instead of only celebrating the perfect moments in our lives, let's share our real imperfect lives!

Watched Kettle

Have you ever heard the saying: A watched kettle never boils?

That's how I feel about how slowly the time is passing before I get to find out if this IUI was successful or not.

Although it feels as though I had the procedure at least a month ago, it was actually only a week ago today!

I knew that the hardest part would be waiting, but like most things in life, knowing something and experiencing it are two different things!

I didn't think about how much I would be trying to analyze every little cramp or twinge I felt.

As I mentioned yesterday, I have been experiencing lower backaches, which I normally experience the week before my period. This has been really discouraging, but I keep trying to remain positive.

Today I was also experiencing cramping and this evening I have a really upset stomach. These can be symptoms of pregnancy, PMS, as well as common side effects of the Endometrin.

If I don't start my period beforehand, I won't find out for another 11 days! 

Thank goodness for amazing friends and family. Honestly I don't know how I would be able to get through this without all the love and support that I have been receiving.

Backaches and Afternoon Naps

Yesterday, after visiting with friends, I noticed that my lower back was bothering me. Unfortunately, this is a symptom that I normally get the week before I start my period. 

So like always, I immediately went to my friend Google, and began researching backaches and early pregnancy symptoms. 

Here's the thing: Every symptom you search on the internet comes up as an early pregnancy symptom! 


Have a headache? You may be pregnant. 

Feeling tired? You may be pregnant.

Feeling thirsty? You may be pregnant.

And it goes on and on and on!

So, even though lower back discomfort can be an early symptom of pregnancy, it is not a common one. It did make me feel a little better, but I'm not rushing to buy any baby clothes!

This morning I went for a walk with a good friend, her gorgeous little baby and their sweet dog. It was great to see them, and to be able to talk with someone who has been there before. It took my friend 18 months to get pregnant so she understands the fear and anxiety that I experience each month that passes and we don't get pregnant. Seeing her and her daughter also gives me hope!

While on our walk she asked if I was going to take an early pregnancy test. I explained my plan, if I haven't already started my period, is to take a pregnancy test the morning that I go for my blood work.  Although, it won't be for another two weeks, I don't want to end up getting a false positive from the trigger shot. 

The trigger shot of HCG- is made up of human chorionic gonadotropin which is a hormone that I was given to mature and release my eggs. It is also a pregnancy hormone that will give a false positive on a pregnancy test. It can stay in a woman's body for up to two weeks, which is why the nurse suggested I wait until the morning of my blood work.

When I got home I ate lunch, and then because my lower back was bothering me again, I lay down on the couch, and then didn't wake up until an hour later! 

So it seems, like many toddlers, I now need an afternoon nap! 

MIA: Missing In Action

For the last couple of days I have been MIA, Missing In Action. 

Why? I'm not really sure. 

For the past two weeks, I have had so much that I wanted needed to write about. So many things that I wanted to share with other women who were going through the same experiences. 

And then... it stopped!

At first I thought it was because I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to say.

Then last night, I realized that I am afraid!

I'm afraid that by writing about this I will somehow jinx it. I so desperately want this IUI to work, and yet I know that we only have 20% odds of success.

Have you ever had the feeling that you want something too much?

As I mentioned previously, I also know that so many of our friends and family are wishing and praying for this to happen, and I don't want to let anyone else down.

When I had this realization last night I knew I needed to write another post, because I refuse to allow fear to rule me.

I can't promise that I will go back to writing a post everyday, but I will say that whenever I feel like I have something to share, I will.

So here is what I have been doing these past two days:

I have been taking the Endometrin (progesterone) tablets three times a day. Thankfully, the cramps have pretty much stopped, but I am still completely exhausted. In fact, the second day I was on them, all I did was read a book in between naps!

I have also been doing a lot of praying and visualization. I try to visualize the sperm meeting the egg, the egg growing and developing, and a successful implantation.

I bought and have been eating a couple of brazil nuts a day. I've read several studies on the internet which have suggested that brazil nuts contain selenium, a natural antioxidant, which may increase women's chances in conceiving.

I have been drinking lots of water, have visited with friends, and also went to the Stampede!

Maybe going to the Stampede grounds will help- after all- tons of Stampede babies are born every year! :)

Everywhere I Go

Have you ever noticed when you've purchased a new car that all of a sudden you see that car everywhere? Well when you are trying to conceive, it is pregnant women and babies, that you see everywhere you go!

Normally, it doesn't bother me. I love babies and children so usually I can smile and am happy to see them.

Unfortunately, there are some days when it seems to be mocking you. As though everyone in the world is able to have a child except you!

The most painful times were when I was going through my missed miscarriage.

It is called a missed miscarriage because, although something has gone wrong, you don't realize it because your hormone levels haven't gone down yet. Unlike a regular miscarriage I didn't have any bleeding or pain to let me know something was wrong.

In fact, I didn't find out anything was wrong until my first ultrasound and the technician wasn't able to find a heartbeat.

I immediately went to see my doctor, who then sent me to get blood work. In the waiting room I had two pregnant ladies sitting on either side of me. There were also several young children playing quietly around me. I remember sitting there not being able to control the tears from falling down my face.

For the next few weeks, this happened for every appointment and ultrasound I had to attend while trying to find out what was happening.

It was so difficult to be sitting there beside these beautiful women who were glowing in their happiness. It got to the point where I would scan the room before I would sit down.

At my last ultrasound, when I was finally given confirmation that our baby had stopped growing, I had the most beautiful little girl come over, put her hand on my knee and smile at me just before I was called in.

It was such a surreal moment.

I often think about that little girl and wonder how she is.

Side Effects

When I first began this journey I was really concerned about the different side-effects that I might experience. I read about all kinds of crazy side-effects from hot flashes to emotional roller coaster rides. 

I am happy to say that I have experienced very few side effects. The hormones never really gave me the major side effects that heard some ladies experience. I think it may have to do with how a woman typically reacts to her own hormones. I am one of the lucky woman who doesn't typically experience bad PMS.


Yesterday, after my IUI procedure, the nurse told me that I may experience some slight bleeding and some cramps.

Unfortunately I experienced both of these. 

The spotting wasn't a big deal, but the cramps were/are very uncomfortable. In fact I am still experiencing discomfort. 

I have also started my Endometrin this morning. If you didn't read my post yesterday, Endometrin is progesterone which will help to ensure that my uterine lining is ready to receive and nourish a fertilized egg.

The Endometrin comes in a tablet form, and I was given applicators which makes it easier to insert it high enough into my vagina. I will be using these three times a day until either I get a negative pregnancy test or until my 10th week of pregnancy. 

Did I mention that it is an effervescent tablet? 

Picture putting an Alka-Seltzer tablet up your woo-hoo! To say it is an interesting sensation would be an understatement! I also think it may be the fizzing which is adding to my cramping.

I have to wear a panty liner as some of it is discharged... isn't that a sexy thought!

Speaking of SEXY- just take a look at some of the side effects I may experience.

Side Effects of Endometrin include:  abdominal bloating and/or pain, nausea, headache, uterine cramping, vaginal spotting or bleeding, vomiting, constipation, tiredness, breast tenderness and mood swings or irritability. 

They also have less common side effects which include: vaginal itching, vaginal burning, and vaginal discomfort!

Yay!!! Don't they sound like fun?

Have you noticed that quite a few of these side effects are similar to those women experience when they first become pregnant? Nothing like playing with a person's emotions!

I'm hoping, like with the other fertility drugs, I won't experience too many of these side effects.

Fingers Crossed

Last night Chris took the bus home from Edmonton and got in at 9:45 p.m.

This morning we were up early and got him to the clinic for 7:15 to give his sperm sample, so they could 'wash' it, and have it ready for me later.

In case you forgot: 'washed' sperm simply means that they separate Chris's sperm from the rest of his semen. They then put it into a small catheter to inject into me later. 

After his appointment we had breakfast and then I drove him to the bus station so he could travel back to Edmonton. (To say that he was exhausted would be an understatement.)

Then I had to drive back for my own appointment.

Although they normally start performing IUIs at 10:30, the nurse we saw on Sunday told me if I got there at 10:00 they may be able to get me in early... and they did!  

In fact, it was the same nurse who told me to go early who actually did the procedure. She was so kind and it was really nice to have it done by someone familiar.

Too much information?- (You may or may not want to read the following paragraph!)

To get started she inserted a speculum into my vagina- just like when you get a pap test. This was used to keep my vaginal walls apart. Then she inserted a small catheter and tried to get it to reach my cervix. Unfortunately, the catheter was too soft and she wasn't able to get it inside. Apparently we have small skin tabs on and around our uterus, and she was getting it caught on one of mine. By switching to a less flexible tube she was able to insert it into my womb where she then inserted Chris's sperm. (She told me that it was a good sperm sample.)

Believe it or not the whole process only took a few minutes and was pretty much painless. There was a few small twinges when she finally inserted it, but other than the normal uncomfortableness of a pap, it was fine. She told me I may have some bleeding and would probably experience cramping later. 

I could have gotten up and left as soon as she was finished, but I asked if I could just lay and wait a few minutes. I understood that I could get up right away, but I still wanted to stay laying down for a few minutes just in case.

After about five minutes, I went to the pharmacy and picked up my Endometrin. It is an effervescent progesterone tablet that I will need to insert into my vagina three times a day starting tomorrow. 

Because I was on so many different drugs to stimulate my egg follicles, I was prescribed Endometrin to prepare my uterine lining so it is ready to receive and nourish a fertilized egg and support early pregnancy.

I will continue to take the Endometrin until we either get a negative pregnancy test or until my 10th week of pregnancy.

So we have now done everything we possibly can, and the hardest part is about to begin... the waiting! 

Staying Grounded

Since yesterday's surprisingly happy news I have been on an emotional roller coaster.

I had been praying that when we went in for the ultrasound my follicles would have grown, but I never imagined that they would have grown big enough for her to tell me to trigger!

So at 11:00 p.m. last night I took my final two injections for this cycle. I was given 10, 000 IU of HCG, which I needed to divide into two different syringes. 

Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (HCG) is used to mature the eggs and 'trigger' ovulation. My eggs are supposed to be released from their follicles 40 hours after the shot. I go in for my insemination between 10:00 - 10:30 a.m. tomorrow, which is 35 hours after the injection. (This allows the sperm to already be present in my uterus so once the eggs are released they can hopefully be fertilized.)

I am trying to be optimistic, but also realistic. 

(I am just so afraid to get my hopes up too much and then be crushed if we don't end up pregnant.)

I also know that it won't be just Chris and I that will be disappointed if this doesn't happen. When I called my family to tell them how the ultrasound went they were overjoyed to hear that we still had a chance. My friends and family have been so supportive and invested in this cycle with us that I feel somewhat guilty. I don't want to let them down.

As per normal, I've read everything I could find online about IUIs, including some animated videos, so at least I feel like I am as prepared as possible for tomorrow's insemination. 

In my research I also found an interesting article that focused on visualizing the outcome you are hoping for. Similar to the book The Secret, this article talked about how you can make things happen just by visualizing them. Wouldn't that be amazing if it was true?

I'm not sure, but I figure it can't hurt trying to imagine (visualize) us getting pregnant. I think it may be similar to the power of prayer. When I spoke to my father today I mentioned that if you only needed people's prayers and best wishes, Chris and I would have nothing to worry about.

This evening while taking a walk I came upon a family. The dad was helping his daughter ride her bike, the mom was walking with a baby in a baby backpack carrier, and she was also walking a dog! They appeared to be the perfect family. I couldn't help but wonder if they realize how lucky they are.

Cautiously Optimistic

Finally we got some good news!

Just when it looked like there was no hope for this cycle... I went in for my ultrasound this morning and found out that two of my follicles have grown big enough to be triggered!

Because there are only two eggs, our doctor told us that the odds of us conceiving are now the same whether we do IVF or IUI. Once we heard that we decided to go ahead with the IUI. (Since Chris has been working in Edmonton this was the first ultrasound he was able to come to.)

Part of the reason IVF has better results has to do with the larger number of egg follicles that are retrieved. Since I only have two the odds would be the same.

I have so many mixed emotions rights now: complete and utter joy, nervousness, fear, but most importantly hope!

After my appointment on Thursday I didn't think that this cycle even had a chance of succeeding. Now at least we have hope. The odds still aren't the best, but for right now there is a chance.

How Did This Happen?  Well on Friday when my follicles hadn't grown very much they switched one of my injections from Luveris to Menopur.

I also read online that full fat organic dairy, lots of protein, and a hot water bottle can help to make follicles grow. Now I'm sure it was probably the Menopur, however, for the past two days, even though it has been 30ºC, I have been using a hot water bottle and have drank almost 2 litres of organic homogenized milk.

Tonight I will give myself two trigger shots.  Then on Tuesday morning Chris will go in at 7:30 to give his donation, and at 10:30 I will go in and they will insert his sperm into my uterus.

*I am asking anyone who reads this to please say a prayer for us and keep your fingers crossed!

Blame Game

I am 6 years older than my husband. Six years can make a huge difference when you want to have a child. This haunts me sometimes and I can't help but feel guilty.

Its funny because age was never something that I really thought about.

Now it consumes me.

That and the myriad of what ifs:

What if we'd met earlier?
What if we didn't wait so long to get married?
What if we tried to get pregnant before we got married?
What if we had tried IVF right away?

What if... What if... What if...

These questions are enough to drive a person crazy. At times they are all I can think about. If I'd let them they could completely take over my life.

So what do I do?

I let myself think them, feel the pain, and then move on... at least for a little while.

Then I start the cycle all over again.

Sometimes When It Rains...It Pours.

Yesterday morning I went to have another ultrasound and blood work taken. As I mentioned in a previous post, it wasn't my doctor who performed the ultrasound on Monday,  and yesterday it was yet another doctor. (The doctors at the RFC do rotating shifts so you may or may not see your doctor for your ultrasounds.) 

Luckily I had called ahead, and when I found out that it wouldn't be my doctor, I made an appointment to meet with her in the afternoon.  

I had so many questions and I felt like I need to have an appointment with my actual doctor to find out some answers. I needed to know if the IUI didn't work what our next steps would be. Would we do another IVF cycle? How long would we have to wait before starting it? Would there be a different protocol? ...plus a million more questions!

Little did I know my ultrasound would bring more heartache and even more questions! 

Have you ever heard the saying: 'when it rains, it pours'?

Well apparently I need an umbrella!

This ultrasound showed a few more really small follicles, but before I could get excited the doctor told me of his concern that my three previous follicles had hardly grown at all.

Egg follicles typically grow 2-3 mm a day. Mine had grown less than 1 mm in three days.

This is not a good sign.

So just as I got myself psyched up to do IUI, it looks like we won't even be able to do that!

The doctor who was working prescribed Menopur instead of Luveris to try and see if we can get these follicles growing. (Menopur has FSH in it whereas Luveris does not.)

Later in the afternoon I met with Dr. F. and she reiterated that it didn't look good, and that the Menopur would be our best bet.  (another $370 dollars)

She also talked about other options for Chris and I.

If this round doesn't work then we could wait a month or two and try again, although, the odds are not good.

We could buy an egg from the United States (it is illegal to purchase an egg in Canada), and try an IVF round in which they would use Chris's sperm. This would cost us around $22,000 everything in. It would give us a mid to high 60% chance of conceiving.

We could also see about buying an already frozen embryo that another couple has donated. They cost $2000- $5000 plus there would be IVF costs. I'm not sure what the success rate would be for this. UPDATE: We wouldn't be purchasing the embryo- the $2000-$5000 is actually for lawyer's fees.

So again, we are in limbo. I have another ultra sound with blood work on Sunday and will hopefully know whether this round is going to work or not.