Blame Game

I am 6 years older than my husband. Six years can make a huge difference when you want to have a child. This haunts me sometimes and I can't help but feel guilty.

Its funny because age was never something that I really thought about.

Now it consumes me.

That and the myriad of what ifs:

What if we'd met earlier?
What if we didn't wait so long to get married?
What if we tried to get pregnant before we got married?
What if we had tried IVF right away?

What if... What if... What if...

These questions are enough to drive a person crazy. At times they are all I can think about. If I'd let them they could completely take over my life.

So what do I do?

I let myself think them, feel the pain, and then move on... at least for a little while.

Then I start the cycle all over again.

Bruised But Not Broken

After yesterday's bad news, I had a lot of friends and family asking how I was doing. I couldn't seem to express all the emotions that I was experiencing until I was laying in bed last night and the phrase

'bruised, but not broken' popped into my head.

Bruised- not only the physical bruises on my stomach and legs from the daily injections, but also the emotional bruises. 

This has been, and continues to be, such a difficult journey. 

I've read so many other women refer to IVF and infertility as a roller coaster ride, and I think it perfectly describes the constant ups and downs that we experience.

As with most things in life it is not the bruises that you can see that hurt the most.

Not broken- After a lot of tears and 'why me', I was able to pull myself together and begin to look at the positives:

I have three follicles... that is three possibilities that we will get a mature egg, and that one of them will fertilize. 

After all it only takes one healthy, fertilized egg! 

And if it doesn't happen then we can try again.