Three Years

To be honest after our last let down I was convinced that adoption was going to the direction we were next heading. I got excited and started doing more and more research.

I thought that the best bet for Chris and I would be private adoption as we are hoping to get a baby or very young child. One of the things I was most shocked about was the wait time. It is typically taking couples 3 years to be able to adopt a child.

Three years!

Unfortunately, every year this wait time is getting longer and longer. I think a lot of the reason for this is better availability of birth control, many young girls are now deciding to raise their children as there is less of a stigma as there was in the past, and of course more may be having abortions.

The lady that I was talking to did mention that if we were open to taking in a child whose mother drank alcohol or did drugs while pregnant we would have a better chance of getting a child earlier.

Another thing that I was surprised about was the cost. It costs around $15 000 by the time all is said and done. $5000 is on counseling alone.

To be honest, it was these two things time and cost that made Chris and I decide not to go with this option... at least not now.

Update: I also talked to someone who adopted through the public system and found out it took them FOUR years to be able to adopt their children!

Beating a Dead Horse

Beat a Dead Horse- to waste time doing something that has already been attempted.

-Cambridge Dictionary of American Idioms 

 As I mentioned in my last post there are several different options that I researched in trying to figure out what would be the best next step for Chris and I to take.  

One of the options would be for us to continue trying IUI rounds with the hopes of getting enough eggs to be able to switch to IVF. The problem with this is that each round costs around $3000 and each time we have tried I have only gotten between 3 or 4 follicles.

I have been put onto the maximum amount of medications that can safely be administered and last attempt we even tried to add DHEA and C0-Q10.

When I talked with my doctor after our last failed cycle she did have some good news. Although I didn't produce very many egg follicles my body did produce a thick lining and my hormone levels were good. Unfortunately, she did conclude that it didn't seem as though my body is going to produce enough eggs to make IVF viable.

Weighing all the information we made the difficult decision to not try IUI / IVF again. Perhaps if we had unlimited money we would keep trying, but honestly even then I don't know if we would. We have been trying for almost 2 years and we haven't gotten any closer to success.

 

Research

After our last let down I have spent hours and hours researching all the different options that are still available for us.

I wish I had know / had more information about some of these options earlier, although maybe I've needed to go through all these stages in order to get to the place I am now.

Hopefully this information will help someone else who is just starting out on this journey. Maybe it will help them to make some decisions and perhaps save them some time!

Option 1- Continue trying IUI / IVF

Option 2- Adoption- both regular and private

Option 3- Embryo Adoption

Option 4- Egg donation

I gathered a lot of information in the past month and to prevent writing a ridiculously long post I have decided to write a separate post for each option. I will also fill you in on which Chris and I finally decided to choose.

I should also mention that there is of course also...

Option 5- Live without Children

But honestly this really isn't an option for us right now as Chris and I are not ready to give up!

Bad News

Bad news... it didn't work... again! 

My heart is broken and I think I'm in disbelief. I really hoped that it was going to work for us.

I'm sorry I didn't update sooner, but after I had the IUI procedure done I went home to visit with my family. I didn't bring my laptop with me and I enjoyed just spending time with everyone.

At first I was hopeful then the lower back pain started and I knew it hadn't worked yet again.

The hardest part was having to tell Chris.

I'm back in Calgary now just trying to build myself up and figure out what our next steps are going to be.

One More Day

So much has happened since my last post.

I went in on Thursday to have another ultrasound and to have my blood work taken. Yet again I found out that my follicles are growing...
growing slowly, but still growing!

The doctor told me he thought they would be big enough to trigger Friday night and therefore have my IUI on Sunday. He asked me to come in on Friday morning (today) for another ultrasound, but that I didn't need to get the blood work taken. I was told I wouldn't have to get a number and wait, but instead they made an appointment for me for 9:25 a,m.

Later that afternoon, I received a phone call that the doctor changed his mind and wanted me to go in for both the blood work and the ultrasound. So my appointment was cancelled and instead I would need to go when the doors opened at 6:00 a.m. to get a number.

Of course when they called I was working and I didn't really process anything. It wasn't until afterwards that I started worrying that they might had found something in my blood work that made him want me to have it taken again.

After work I noticed I had a message on my phone. When I listened to the message it was from someone at the Regional Fertility Clinic. The message mentioned that they wanted me to get the blood work taken and that she wanted to go over the dosages of medication I was taking...

Dosages?

The person I spoke to on the phone hadn't mentioned any change in dosages so of course my mind began spinning yet again. When I tried to call back my call went straight to their answering service. I left a message, but didn't hear back from anyone.

Not sure what to do I just took my regular dosages and hoped for the best!

This morning I woke up with a start at 5:18 and realized I had forgotten to set my alarm the night before. I quickly got ready and drove to the clinic. I was shocked to discover I was going to be fourth in line.

Thank goodness I got fourth as it was extremely busy and I ended up getting to work just as the bell was ringing.

During my ultrasound I was relieved to learn that my follicles had continued growing and that I was ready to trigger. I was a little disappointed to learn that three more follicles had started growing, but that all but one would be too small. (I was disappointed because I had originally hoped to get 5 or 6 follicles so we could switch to IVF- unfortunately my extras came too late.)

With the extra one that might grow large enough I have four follicles... and hopefully four healthy eggs!

Tonight at midnight I will need to take my trigger shot.

Trigger shot- " injection of a medication called HCG, which causes the eggs to complete the maturation process. This is taken only once in the cycle. Release of the eggs should occur about 36-46 hours after the shot."                                          

 - Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago

Then Chris will go into the clinic Sunday morning to give his sperm sample to be washed and I will go in at 1:30 to have the IUI procedure. 

One more day and then it will be completely out of our hands.

Still Growing

This morning I had another appointment to check my blood work and see how my follicles are growing.

And I found out they are growing... albeit slowly!

So they wrote me another prescription for the next couple of days and they want me to go back on Thursday for another ultrasound and blood work.

So there is still hope.

I can't help but think about the phrase 'slowly but surely.'

Hopefully my follicles will slowly but surely grow and mature.
Day 12, shots 37

Still Hoping

On Saturday I went in for yet another ultrasound and to have my blood work taken.

I was happy to learn that my follicles have grown, albeit slowly.

The doctor on call was so sweet and was trying to be so positive. As she came into the room she said:

 "Three follicles! The perfect number we like to see for an IUI';"

not knowing of course that I had been hoping to have enough follicles to switch to IVF. When I mentioned this she said that next time they just have to increase my amounts... again not realizing that I'm already on the highest dose.

But as I keep reminding myself there is still hope. Although, things didn't go as I had initially wanted, there is still a chance that this round will work.

So tomorrow morning I go in again for another ultrasound and to get my blood work taken.

Hopefully my follicles are still growing...

Hopefully there are some healthy eggs growing inside...

Hopefully those eggs mature...

Hopefully this third round is the lucky round we have been waiting for!

Day 11, Shots 33

Roller Coaster Ride Continued

Roller coaster ride doesn't even begin to cover the myriad of emotions that I have been going through the past few days.

As I mentioned in my last post I was so disappointed to only have three follicles this round, but yesterday things got even worse. When I went for my ultrasound and blood work I found out that my follicles had not grown much at all.

The doctor who performed the ultrasound expressed his concern that we might have to cancel the round. He wanted to wait and see what my blood work showed. If my estrogen wasn't increasing then we would have to cancel.

So I went home and cried, and cried, AND CRIED.

Thankfully I had taken a personal day and had made plans with a good friend. This made me wipe my tears, take a deep breath and get up and go out.

So while I waited to hear back from the clinic we went for a pedicure and went to Canmore for lunch. Believe it or not I was actually able to enjoy myself and was able to take my mind off everything for a short time.

By 2:00 everything changed. I still hadn't gotten a phone call and I started panicking. I knew that if I was continuing I was going to need to get to the pharmacy before they closed at 3:30. (I found out later they actually close at 3:00 so I had even less time then I actually thought!)

If you've read any of my previous posts you will know that it is almost impossible to actually get to talk to anyone directly... you almost always have to leave a message and wait for them to call you back. This time was no exception. I had to call three different times and leave different messages one with the IUI extension, one with reception and one with the IVF extension.

Thankfully I finally did get a return phone call and was told that my estrogen had gone up so off we rushed to get to the pharmacy before it closed. We got there just in time!

Tomorrow I go in for another ultrasound and blood work.

To be honest, I'm not feeling very optimistic.

Day 8, shots 20

Disappointed

Sometimes I feel like this is never going to happen for us. 

Today was one of those days. 

I've been trying to psych myself us for this final third round, hoping that the added DHEA was going to make the difference for us- that this time we would get enough eggs to be able to switch to an IVF cycle.

If you haven't already guessed there isn't much hope of that happening.

When I went in for my ultrasound and blood work this morning they only found three follicles and the 0.9 cyst. I asked if there was any chance of growing more and I was told that there is, however, the problem lays in them not growing big enough, fast enough.

So unfortunately there is nothing I can do, but continue taking my meds and keep praying and hoping. 

I go back for another ultrasound and blood work on Thursday.

Asking for all the prayers you can send my way!

Day 5, Shots 12 *

*Every other day I end up having to take an extra Gonal f shot, because there isn't enough in the pen to make the full 450

And it's begun

Well I've officially started this new round! Although I had the blood work and ultrasound done yesterday it wasn't until I took my shots this evening that it felt real.

One of my good friends was asking me if they have changed my procedure this time around and the short answer is no.

I have already been put onto the largest dose they give, but this will be the first time that I have tried while taking DHEA and Coq10.

So here is exactly what I am taking every day...

At breakfast: 1 low dose Aspirin,  25 mg DHEA, 100mg Ubiquinol (CoQ10)

At lunch: 25 mg DHEA, 100 mg Ubiquinol (CoQ10), 1 prenatal vitamin

At 4:25: 1 injection of 450 IU Gonal f, 1 injection of 150 IU Menopur 

At supper: 25 mg DHEA, 100 mg Ubiquinol (CoQ10)

I do this each day until Monday morning at which time I will go in for more blood work and another ultrasound. Depending on what's happening they will either get me to continue or perhaps adjust my meds. 

Fingers crossed I have lots of follicles this time so we can switch over to IVF!

I've been asked how many shots I have to take... and to be honest I have no idea so I've decided to start a running tally.

Day 1- Shots- 2

Third Time`s the Charm

Third time`s the charm- Used to express the hope that, after twice failing to accomplish something, one may succeed in the third attempt.  

  -Oxford dictionaries

Well here we go again!

After having a 55 day cycle last time, this month was only a 19 day cycle! 

When I started my period yesterday I called in to the period hotline right away, and they called me back a couple of hours later to tell me to go in today to get my baseline ultrasound and blood work. 

I honestly think I was a little bit in shock. After all the waiting it was finally here and I was (am)  filled with an overwhelming mix of emotions.

All ultrasounds and blood work at the Regional Fertility Clinic are on a first come, first served basis starting at 7:30 a.m.  The doors to the Cambrian Centre, however, open at 6:00 a.m. and you can get a number and then go back later. 

This morning I got there at 6:03 and got... the number 8!

Apparently there are some very early risers this round! I have never gotten a number so high before and I was nervous that I would be late for work, but luckily I was able to get everything done and still get to work before 9:00.

Instead of waiting in my car, driving to the Tim Horton`s and working on report cards or reading a book, this time I went for a walk. I really enjoyed it so I think it will be my new norm. 

If you have been following my blog you will know that I typically have a cyst on one of my ovaries and this time was no exception. My right ovary was fine, however, the did see a small 0.9 cyst or left over follicle on my left ovary. The doctor assured me that it was nothing to worry about. It is only if they are 1.5 or above that they worry that it might interfere with the cycle.

Tomorrow I will start my injections. I need to take them between 1:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m.and at the same time each day. I think I am going to take them around 4:00 p.m. Last time they asked me to take them at 1:00, which was fine, but it meant I had to take them at school. I`d rather take them at home in the privacy of my own bathroom if possible. I`ll just have to be careful to make sure I leave work right away so I`m not late taking it.

Here`s hoping that this is lucky number three for us!

Waiting

I thought I should write a quick update of where things stand for us right now.

As per normal we are in the waiting stage...

Honestly I feel as though this is where I spend the majority of my time...

Waiting to see if my period is going to start,
waiting to hear back from the clinic,
waiting to get started on the next cycle,
waiting to see if this is the month I finally get pregnant!

My period finally did come after cycle day 55! Crazy!

I'm currently on day 16 of this new cycle and when my period comes I will call into the Period Hotline to start our new and final cycle. Chris and I weren't

Period Hotline, don't you just love the name?

My nerves have been kicking in, although, I'm trying my best to stay as calm as possible. I actually started watching 'Just for Laughs' and comedians like Wanda Sykes. Her waxing for the first time stand up routine had me laughing so hard I had tears running down my face.

I'll write more often once we actually get started... for now there isn't much to say.

Thankfully I should have report cards finished before the start of the next cycle so at least I won't be trying to both at the same time!

Prometrium

Cycle day 50

As unbelievable as it sounds it has been 50 days since the first day of my last period!

Two negative pregnancy tests later... I just started taking prometrium to kick start my period.

A week after I took the first pregnancy test I called the Calgary Regional Fertility Clinic and told the receptionist what was happening. She called me back the next day and told me my doctor wanted to prescribe prometrium.

"Prometrium uses: Progesterone is a type of female hormone (progestin). This medication is similar to the progesterone that your body naturally makes and is given to replace the hormone when your body is not making enough of it. In women who are not pregnant and not going through menopause, this medication si used to restore normal menstrual periods that have stopped for several months (amenorrhea)." - WebMd

I was surprised that they didn't send me for blood work first to check my hormone levels so I took another pregnancy test... just to be sure. It was of course negative.

So I started taking the prometrium. I take two pills for 10 days before going to bed and then I should start my period within a week or so after the last pills.

When I finally do start I will call in to the period hotline and then they will start my file again and I will start the following month.

As always I'm trying not to get too down and I'm trying to build myself back up again.

The roller coaster ride continues.

 

 



Frustrated

frus-trat-ed

adjective

• feeling or expressing distress and annoyance, especially because of inability to change or achieve something.
• prevented from progressing, succeeding, or being fulfilled.

Cycle day 38!

 

Yes, that's right! I am on cycle day 38 and still no period.

 

This morning I finally broke down and took a pregnancy test and no surprise... it was negative. I am beyond frustrated at this point. Sometimes I feel as though this is all a cruel joke.

 

I'm going to call the Regional Fertility Clinic tomorrow to see what they suggest. I'm assuming they will want to send me for blood work, but I'm not sure. The blood work would be able to help figure out whether I ovulated or not, but wouldn't tell much more.

 

Of course my mind is reeling with all the different possibilities...

 

am I just stressed?

 

going into early menopause?

 

am I somehow miraculously pregnant, but its just too soon... I know this one's not true!

 

Not sure what's happening and just wish someone could tell me exactly what was happening and why!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still Waiting...

The reason I haven't written a post about our next round is that I am still waiting to start my period! I am currently on cycle day 34 and other than experiencing my typical back pain there is no sign of my period starting.

Can you say frustrating?!

The last time my period was this late it was the month that I was going in to have my surgery. I was so worried at the time that I was going into early menopause, but the nurse assured me it was probably just stress.

So I'm hoping that I'm just stressed about this last cycle...

It is so funny how I can be so stressed that my body will delay having its period yet I don't 'feel' like I am that worried.

I remember when a friend of mine passed away a few years ago. I thought I was doing ok except for having the bad timing of also getting a stomach flu...

Stomach flu? Ha! Not quite!

Turns out I was so upset I actually made myself physically sick!

So here I sit waiting to start my period when normally it is the last thing I want to happen.

Getting Ready...

Last week I went into the Regional Fertility Clinic to have a follow up

appointment after my surgery and to plan our next steps.

I was happy to find out that my uterus is 'normal'. I do have some uterine fibroids, but they are embedded in my uterine wall which I guess is normal. She did say that I had some scar tissue, but she was able to successfully remove it.

She was unsure how I would have gotten it, but it may have been left over from my miscarriage.

So next month we will begin our third and final round of IUI/IVF. We will start with a medicated IUI with the hopes that I will get enough eggs to be able to switch to IVF. (The reason for doing it this way is so that we don't have to put down as much money up front as we would have to if we started with IVF.)

Our doctor also wrote in our file that we would be interested in adopting an embryo if this round doesn't work out for us. Hopefully we won't have to do this, however, if we do it may help to cut down our wait time.

A few of my friends have been confused by this process so I will try and explain it the best I can.

If Chris and I are unable to conceive on our own we have the option of adopting an embryo from another couple who have successfully had their children through IVF. Often couples will get several embryos when trying IVF. Once they have finished having their children couples can decide what they would like to do with their remaining embryos. Some couples offer to donate them to other couples trying to conceive.

There is no charge for the embryos, however, there are legal fees for the adoption process. It can range from $2000- $5000 plus there is also the cost of having the embryos emplanted.

We would be given three chances to conceive and if we are successful we are only given this opportunity once. We wouldn't be able to try again later to have a second child.

As always I am hoping that we will be able to conceive our own child, however, I do feel good that we have this as a possibility if it doesn't work out for us.

I was in Chapters last week and I saw the cutest onesie. It had a simple picture of a turtle and the caption below read 'Worth the Wait'.

As soon as I saw it I lost my breath and my eyes filled up. It is quite literally the perfect onesie.

So now I am getting ready for our next round... dreaming of being able to one day put that perfect onesie on our perfect little baby.

Wasn`t There

On Wednesday I went into the Foothills hospital to have my Hysteroscopy

 and the removal of my uterine fibroids.

A Hysteroscopy is a procedure that allows your doctor to look inside your uterus in order to diagnose and treat causes of abnormal bleeding. Hysteroscopy is done using a hysteroscope, a thin, lighted tube that is inserted into the vagina to examine the cervix and inside of the uterus.

Chris, my husband, brought me in and held my shaking hand as I waited to be taken in. Its weird that I was confident to have the surgery right up until they admitted me and then all of a sudden my nervous showed up in full force.

Let me take a moment to make a shout-out for all the amazing staff at the Foothills hospital. The nurses, anesthesiologist and my doctor were all so kind and reassuring!

When I finally came too the nurse said that the hysteroscopy went well. When I asked about the fibroid removal he said that there wasn`t any.

WASN`T ANY?

Totally confused I thought he must have been mistaken. So the next morning I called my doctor`s office and talked with her receptionist. It turns out he wasn`t mistaken.

Apparently when my doctor went in she found a few abraisons, however, the uterine fibroids were not there.

NOT THERE?!?

Well you can imagine my surprise. I have no idea what happened, but I am grateful.

I can`t imagine that the ultrasound technician and doctor who performed my sonohysterogram were wrong. During it the doctor did try to dislodge or separate it, but she said that she wasn`t able to. I wonder if perhaps she damaged it enough that my body then was able to take care of it on its own.

I do know that I had so many prayers being said for me and I do believe in the power of prayer. So for all of you who thought and prayed for me thank you!

Laminaria Tent?!

Tuesday afternoon I went into the Calgary Regional Fertility Clinic to have a Laminaria Tent put into my uterus.

I am so grateful that I didn't look it up on the internet first. (There are some horror stories on there!)

I was told that it was a type of seaweed that they would be using to open my uterus before my surgery on Wednesday. Turns out I mustn't have been listening carefully enough... the Laminaria Tent isn't used to open a woman's uterus it is to open a woman's cervix.

Now that might not seem like a big difference, however, it was not at all what I was expecting.

Because I thought it was to help open my uterus I was picturing the laminaria tent to look something like an open tampon. Boy was I wrong, instead it looks like a stick. Online they say that they place the laminaria tent into your uterus- place- ha!

They STUCK it into my cervix!

When I cried out from pain I apologized to the doctor who responded with (not kidding): "Don't apologize I know I'm torturing you!` You know when a doctor says that you`re in trouble!

Thankfully it was over quickly.

When I got home I looked it up and read that some women only experience some mild cramping whereas other women talked about excruciating pain. One woman had experienced such awful pain that she had to hospitalized and put on morphine... thankfully I didn`t experience anything quite so dramatic! But lets just say I hope I don`t have to ever have another!

Here is some more information about laminaria tents that I found online:

Laminaria Tent - Laminaria tent is about 2 inches, rigid, fibre-like stick made out of the seaweed (Laminaria stenophylla). It is used for two and three day procedures when cervix needs to be dilated more. The seaweed property is that it absorbs the moisture when in contact with the secretions of the body, while softening and swelling to several times its diameter. The result is the gradual dilation of the cervix which in turn decreases the chance of cervical laceration and perforation. This is the safest and the least painful way of cervix dilatation as it takes usually 24 hours for it to fully expand. Women might get cramps within those 24 hours so adequate pain killers are prescribed to lessen the discomfort. - Women`s Care Clinic

No Surprise... Surprise

This morning I received a phone call from the Calgary Regional Fertility Centre confirming that my blood work came out negative and I am not pregnant.

That wasn't a surprise, however, I was surprised when she went on to tell me that my progesterone levels showed that I had just ovulated or was just about to ovulate.

So the good news is that my surgery will go on Wednesday.

However, I'm not sure why my body chose to ovulate so late this month... I know they mentioned that stress can cause a women to have a delayed period, but can it also cause you to ovulate late???

I've been taking DHEA and CoQ10 on the advice of my fertility doctor and I'm not sure if they may have caused my late ovulation.

DHEA- is a hormone that is thought to be essential for women to produce and develop healthy eggs. There is some evidence to show that taking DHEA (if a woman`s levels are low) can improve egg quality which will improve chances of implantation and lower the chances of miscarriage.

CoQ10- is an antioxidant that our bodies naturally make. Like DHEA, CoQ10 levels tend to decrease as we age. Taking CoQ10 supplements is thought to help with egg quality.

There has been some evidence that taking these two supplements can help older women increase their egg quality, their chances of spontaneous pregnancies, increase IVF pregnancy rates, and decrease chances of miscarriage.

Slap in the Face

Sometimes I just don't understand.

Just when I'm building myself up to have my surgery on Wednesday I get what feels like yet another slap in the face...

I have to go in for bloodwork tomorrow morning because I am currently on cycle day 34 and still haven't gotten my period. Now before anyone gets excited, I already took a pregnancy test on Tuesday (cycle day 31) and it was negative.

In fact, the only reason I called the clinic was because I was concerned that not having my period could cause an issue with the surgery.

Of course as soon as she said that they wanted to send me for bloodwork to make sure I wasn't pregnant I immediately teared up. I know that there is about a 0.23% chance of me being pregnant right now, but there is still that little part of me that keeps hoping for a miracle.

The funny (?) thing is when my period didn't come around Day 25 (which it typically does) I was excited because I thought my cycle was going to be an average 28 day cycle. I thought perhaps the DHEA that my doctor prescribed was working.

One of the concerns I had when my period didn't come and I got the negative pregnancy test was that I was going into menopause. Thankfully when I voiced my concern with the lady from the Regional Fertitlity Clinic she reassured me that it was very unlikely and probably due to stress over my operation on Wednesday.

So I'll get up tomorrow and get the blood work done... even though I already know what the result will be.