Silver Linings

Sometimes I am amazed at the human spirit.

With everything that we go through it is incredible that we can still have hope.

After finding out that we were going to miscarry again I wasn't sure if I would ever have hope again.

It wasn't until afterwards that I was able to start to see some silver linings.

The first was the knowledge that I am surrounded by friends and family who are unbelievably supportive and kind. My amazing family called to check on me everyday and offered to jump on the next plan to be with me. My friends called, honored my wishes when I said I needed space, and then showed up at my door with a care package of pre-made meals and much needed hugs.

The other realization was that I didn't care about having to use donor eggs. Initially I had to go through a bit of a mourning period before we decided to use donor eggs. It was hard to give up the hope of having a child that was genetically linked to me.

After I got pregnant, however, I didn't once think about it. I was simply overjoyed to be pregnant.

From the moment I found out, in my head and especially in my heart, it was OUR baby.

Finally we've found a next step which I'll write about it in my next post.

Not Viable

 We did not get the news that we were praying for.

On Monday we went in for our ultrasound hoping that our baby's heartbeat had gotten stronger.

Unfortunately, they weren't able to find a heartbeat at all.

Not only was there no heartbeat, but they also said that our pregnancy had regressed.

I think the worst part for me was the devastation that I saw on Chris's face.

He stayed so positive throughout this whole ordeal. In fact he was initially excited when we first saw the ultrasound because he could see the gestational sack and thought the baby was fine. When she told us she couldn't find the heartbeat he looked shocked and then shattered.

After the ultrasound we went upstairs and talked with our fertility doctor. She expressed her condolences and made another appointment for me for next week.

After the ultrasound I stopped the estrogen and progesterone. Now it will be just a wait game. I haven't started bleeding yet and have no idea when it will start.

I took today off work, but am planning to go back tomorrow.

I don't think I can handle sitting around waiting for the miscarriage. Last time it took weeks before it started and lasted about a week.

Although I couldn't seem to stop crying yesterday, today I have been feeling completely numb. 

I want to thank all my amazing friends and family who have been so supportive. I honestly don't know what I would do without you all.

Ongoing

It has been so hard for me to write this post.

Last Friday I went in to have my ultrasound with both my husband and my dad.

We were overjoyed to see our baby and to actually be able to see its heartbeat.

Our joy soon turned to confusion and fear when our technician explained that our baby was measuring 6 weeks and 1 day instead of 7 weeks. She also went on to tell us that our heartbeat was low at 73 instead of being over 100.

They explained that there is a chance that the heart rate can increase and we could still have a normal pregnancy, but that there is cause for concern that it will not be a viable pregnancy.

They contacted the Regional Fertility Clinic to let them know the results of our ultrasound.

We were asked to go upstairs where we waited for about an hour to talk to one of the doctors working.

When we finally got in it was completely awful. The doctor we saw had absolutely no bed side manner. I know they need to be honest with us, however, he immediately told us that we need to prepare that we were going to have a miscarriage.

Chris was so upset he interrupted him to explain that I had been through this before and that we didn't need to hear all this negativity. He went on to say that we would have appreciated some positively or at least been given a glimmer of hope.

We left devastated and with me in tears.

I have another ultrasound booked for Monday.

Now all I can do is pray for a miracle... and yet again, I am asking for all your prayers as well. 

Mixed News

My heart is so heavy right now.

On Sunday morning Chris and I decided to do a pregnancy test before I left to get my blood work.

I wanted to do it because I was afraid if the blood work turned out negative I didn't want to find out Monday morning while I was at work.

We were absolutely overjoyed when it was positive! We quickly called our parents to share our exciting news. Although, I was still feeling a little nervous I was thrilled and felt like it was finally going to happen for us.

This morning just before I started work I received a phone call from the Regional Fertility Clinic. I was so excited to see the number thinking I was going to get my much anticipated confirmation.

But my excitement soon turned to anguish.

The lady on the phone informed me that although the blood work showed that I was pregnant my hCG levels were not as high as they would expect.

My levels were around 170 and they would expect to see them around 270 (I can't remember the exact numbers to be honest as I was feeling numb).

She went on to ask me if I would be able go for blood work again tomorrow so they can check to see if my levels are rising or decreasing.

Best case scenario my levels are just slow to rise. Worse case would be that the embryo(s) implanted in the wrong spot or it (they) are not viable.

I've booked tomorrow off so that I can go in and get the blood work done in the morning, and I'm hoping that I will receive word from the Regional by the afternoon. I decided to book the whole day off as I can't imagine getting bad news there... today was hard enough.

I'm asking anyone and everyone who is reading this to please pray for us.

Hopefully I can become one of the low hCG level success stories that I've been researching online!

Eggs in a Basket

This morning I received a phone call from the Regional Fertility Clinic to let me know that none of our remaining eggs make it to the blastocyst stage. Which means:

All of our eggs are in one basket or in this case my uterus!

Although it wasn't a huge surprise it was devastating to hear. We were really hoping that we would get at least one more fertilized egg that could be frozen.

Of course my biggest fear is that there is something wrong with the eggs that were transferred and that they may have stopped growing and developing.

Unfortunately,  I have absolutely no way of knowing. I won't find out if I am pregnant for another 12 days. If I don't become pregnant I won't know if it was a problem with our eggs or if they were fine, but just didn't implant.

As I've mentioned before the two week wait is the hardest part!

I'm trying to remain positive, but I have to be honest it is really hard.

The Procedure

Chris and I arrived at the Regional Fertility Clinic for 12:00 yesterday.

I was feeling anxious, but Chris did a great job calming me down and even managed to make me laugh. On the drive there he made up a variety of 'imagine if' scenarios and even started chanting "Triplets, Triplets, Triplets!"

It was completely ridiculous, but it worked!

A few minutes after arriving we were called back, asked to verify our names and given gowns and booties to put on... including Chris.

Then we were brought into the procedural room and again were asked to verify our names, as well as identify our names on the petri dish which contained our embryos.

The embryologist who has been monitoring our eggs then informed us of some good news:

One of our 6 celled embryos had become a 7 celled embryo!

This means there is still hope for that little guy. Our doctor then decided to implant just two of the embryos- the one 8 celled and the now 7 celled embryo.

So now we don't have to worry about triplets... not that I was really concerned.

The transfer procedure itself was very similar to an IUI procedure except this time the doctor used an ultrasound to visually place our embryos into my uterus.

Similar to receiving a pap smear, my legs were put into stirrups, a speculum was inserted, and then a catheter was inserted into my uterus. Once she got the catheter into place our embryos were put into a syringe and then released into my uterus. Other than being a little uncomfortable it was completely painless.

The really amazing thing though was that we were able to watch all this take place on the ultrasound monitor. Although the embryos are too small to see, we were able to clearly see the air bubble that they were inside.

They then checked to make sure that the embryos were in the air bubble and not stuck somewhere in the syringe. Once that was verified they left me to relax on the bed for a few minutes.

Before leaving, Chris and I were given a photo of our two embryos. Chris also took a picture of the monitor which showed our embryos (or rather the air bubble) in my uterus.

Imagine how cool it would be if we do become pregnant and these turn out to be our first official baby photos!

It is so surreal to think I have two embryos floating around inside of my uterus. I know that there is a chance that they will not continue to grow or that they don't end up implanting, however, I am trying to remain cautiously optimistic.

*They will continue monitoring our other embryos for four days and if they make it to the blastocyst stage they will freeze them for possible future attempts.

Thawed Eggs

Yesterday morning Chris went into the Regional Fertility Clinic in order to provide a sample of his sperm.

They then thawed our eggs and used a process called ICSI to inject one of his sperm directly into each of the eggs.

This morning I received a phone call to update me on how everything was going so far.

I was excited to find out that all 6 eggs thawed successfully and that
5 of them are fertilized!

They will continue assessing these fertilized eggs and if all goes well we will be doing the embryo transfer either Saturday or Monday.

They will call me again tomorrow morning to let me know how our eggs are developing... fingers crossed that our embryos continue to divide and grow!

I will update again tomorrow with whatever I find out.

Choosing Our Egg Donor

If you have ever tried online dating then you have an idea

how strange and bizarre it is to choose an egg donor.

Once Chris and I paid our registration fee and had all our tests completed we were given full access to the available donors at My Egg Bank.

We were then able to narrow down the donors according to their race, hair colour, eye colour, and even blood type. Once it was narrowed down we could then click and read a medical history, personal questionnaire and even see photos of the donor as a child.

Chris and I had many conversations about the criteria we wanted to use in order to choose our donor eggs.

The top things that we were looking for were:

good health history, appearance and intelligence!

To clarify by appearance we were looking for someone who looked as much like me as possible. We searched for someone with the same hair and eye colour, as well as a similar height.

For intelligence, Chris wanted it to be someone who shared my love of literature and the arts... as he said there will be enough of an analytical engineer brain coming from him!

After searching for several days we narrowed it down to two candidates: one that was most like me physically, and a second that wrote the most amazing responses.

We ended up going with the donor who had, what we felt, were the most heart felt answers. The answer that really sealed our decision was the one in which she was asked why she was donating.

In her response she talked about focusing on her career and perhaps needed to use the program in the future. She also talked about the fact that she was not raised by her biological father, and therefore, understands that "parental love transcends genetics". She went on to say "Genetics aren't what binds the parent-child relationship, love and nurturing are."

Honestly is that not the best response ever?!

Egg Donation

Egg donation... I've had a lot of people asking me what it even means.

Egg donation is when a woman donates her eggs to a woman who is unable to conceive using her own. The donor eggs are then inseminated with the husband's sperm (or from the sperm of a donor). The fertilized eggs are then implanted via IVF into the woman's womb.

So this means:

Genetically the child will be Chris's, but genetically the child will not be mine.

I will, however, be able to carry, give birth and nurse this child.

By law, I will be considered the child's biological mother- as I am the one who will carry and give birth to him or her.

And the best part, if it's successful, we could become pregnant next month! We wouldn't have to wait three or four years, but hopefully only 10 months!

In Canada it is illegal to purchase eggs from a woman, however, somehow it is legal to purchase them from a woman in the United States???

I believe the get around it by the fact that we actually purchase the eggs from the clinic.

The Regional Fertility Program here in Calgary collaborates with  My Egg Bank in the United States. The eggs are frozen and transported to the clinic here where they remain frozen until the time for them to be fertilized.

We purchase 6 eggs from one single donor. It costs $11 000 US dollar for the 6 eggs.

The survival rate of the eggs is over 90%, and the Egg Bank guarantees at least 4 eggs. However, if only 3 eggs survive and we get pregnant with one of them it is still considered a success.

The success rates for an IVF with donor eggs is around 66%.

Embryo Adoption

Chris and I are on the embryo adoption wait list. 

What is Embryo adoption?

Well when couples go through IVF, the woman will often produce over 10 eggs. This means there are sometimes extra embryos that remain after the first transfer and are frozen for later use. If a couple is able to have all the children they want and still have embryos remaining they may choose to donate their remaining embryos to couples who are unable to conceive. 

This allows other couples to experience pregnancy and the birth of a child. It also allows them to raise a child from birth. These are typically closed adoptions in which the genetic parents sign over all rights to their embryos.

Initially I was so excited for Chris and I to get into this program.  

Some things I didn't realize were:

The wait time. You are on a wait list for a year and a half to two years.

The success rate. The success rate is only around 33%. (At first I was ok with this as it is higher than our chances with my eggs, however, it is still less than a 50% chance of success). The reason the rate is lower is that couples will have chosen the best embryos for themselves and donate the remaining which are typically of a lower quality.

So if you haven't already guessed, although Chris and I are still on the wait list for this, we have decided to purchase eggs from the States. More details in my next post.

Research

After our last let down I have spent hours and hours researching all the different options that are still available for us.

I wish I had know / had more information about some of these options earlier, although maybe I've needed to go through all these stages in order to get to the place I am now.

Hopefully this information will help someone else who is just starting out on this journey. Maybe it will help them to make some decisions and perhaps save them some time!

Option 1- Continue trying IUI / IVF

Option 2- Adoption- both regular and private

Option 3- Embryo Adoption

Option 4- Egg donation

I gathered a lot of information in the past month and to prevent writing a ridiculously long post I have decided to write a separate post for each option. I will also fill you in on which Chris and I finally decided to choose.

I should also mention that there is of course also...

Option 5- Live without Children

But honestly this really isn't an option for us right now as Chris and I are not ready to give up!

One More Day

So much has happened since my last post.

I went in on Thursday to have another ultrasound and to have my blood work taken. Yet again I found out that my follicles are growing...
growing slowly, but still growing!

The doctor told me he thought they would be big enough to trigger Friday night and therefore have my IUI on Sunday. He asked me to come in on Friday morning (today) for another ultrasound, but that I didn't need to get the blood work taken. I was told I wouldn't have to get a number and wait, but instead they made an appointment for me for 9:25 a,m.

Later that afternoon, I received a phone call that the doctor changed his mind and wanted me to go in for both the blood work and the ultrasound. So my appointment was cancelled and instead I would need to go when the doors opened at 6:00 a.m. to get a number.

Of course when they called I was working and I didn't really process anything. It wasn't until afterwards that I started worrying that they might had found something in my blood work that made him want me to have it taken again.

After work I noticed I had a message on my phone. When I listened to the message it was from someone at the Regional Fertility Clinic. The message mentioned that they wanted me to get the blood work taken and that she wanted to go over the dosages of medication I was taking...

Dosages?

The person I spoke to on the phone hadn't mentioned any change in dosages so of course my mind began spinning yet again. When I tried to call back my call went straight to their answering service. I left a message, but didn't hear back from anyone.

Not sure what to do I just took my regular dosages and hoped for the best!

This morning I woke up with a start at 5:18 and realized I had forgotten to set my alarm the night before. I quickly got ready and drove to the clinic. I was shocked to discover I was going to be fourth in line.

Thank goodness I got fourth as it was extremely busy and I ended up getting to work just as the bell was ringing.

During my ultrasound I was relieved to learn that my follicles had continued growing and that I was ready to trigger. I was a little disappointed to learn that three more follicles had started growing, but that all but one would be too small. (I was disappointed because I had originally hoped to get 5 or 6 follicles so we could switch to IVF- unfortunately my extras came too late.)

With the extra one that might grow large enough I have four follicles... and hopefully four healthy eggs!

Tonight at midnight I will need to take my trigger shot.

Trigger shot- " injection of a medication called HCG, which causes the eggs to complete the maturation process. This is taken only once in the cycle. Release of the eggs should occur about 36-46 hours after the shot."                                          

 - Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago

Then Chris will go into the clinic Sunday morning to give his sperm sample to be washed and I will go in at 1:30 to have the IUI procedure. 

One more day and then it will be completely out of our hands.

Still Hoping

On Saturday I went in for yet another ultrasound and to have my blood work taken.

I was happy to learn that my follicles have grown, albeit slowly.

The doctor on call was so sweet and was trying to be so positive. As she came into the room she said:

 "Three follicles! The perfect number we like to see for an IUI';"

not knowing of course that I had been hoping to have enough follicles to switch to IVF. When I mentioned this she said that next time they just have to increase my amounts... again not realizing that I'm already on the highest dose.

But as I keep reminding myself there is still hope. Although, things didn't go as I had initially wanted, there is still a chance that this round will work.

So tomorrow morning I go in again for another ultrasound and to get my blood work taken.

Hopefully my follicles are still growing...

Hopefully there are some healthy eggs growing inside...

Hopefully those eggs mature...

Hopefully this third round is the lucky round we have been waiting for!

Day 11, Shots 33

Roller Coaster Ride Continued

Roller coaster ride doesn't even begin to cover the myriad of emotions that I have been going through the past few days.

As I mentioned in my last post I was so disappointed to only have three follicles this round, but yesterday things got even worse. When I went for my ultrasound and blood work I found out that my follicles had not grown much at all.

The doctor who performed the ultrasound expressed his concern that we might have to cancel the round. He wanted to wait and see what my blood work showed. If my estrogen wasn't increasing then we would have to cancel.

So I went home and cried, and cried, AND CRIED.

Thankfully I had taken a personal day and had made plans with a good friend. This made me wipe my tears, take a deep breath and get up and go out.

So while I waited to hear back from the clinic we went for a pedicure and went to Canmore for lunch. Believe it or not I was actually able to enjoy myself and was able to take my mind off everything for a short time.

By 2:00 everything changed. I still hadn't gotten a phone call and I started panicking. I knew that if I was continuing I was going to need to get to the pharmacy before they closed at 3:30. (I found out later they actually close at 3:00 so I had even less time then I actually thought!)

If you've read any of my previous posts you will know that it is almost impossible to actually get to talk to anyone directly... you almost always have to leave a message and wait for them to call you back. This time was no exception. I had to call three different times and leave different messages one with the IUI extension, one with reception and one with the IVF extension.

Thankfully I finally did get a return phone call and was told that my estrogen had gone up so off we rushed to get to the pharmacy before it closed. We got there just in time!

Tomorrow I go in for another ultrasound and blood work.

To be honest, I'm not feeling very optimistic.

Day 8, shots 20

Disappointed

Sometimes I feel like this is never going to happen for us. 

Today was one of those days. 

I've been trying to psych myself us for this final third round, hoping that the added DHEA was going to make the difference for us- that this time we would get enough eggs to be able to switch to an IVF cycle.

If you haven't already guessed there isn't much hope of that happening.

When I went in for my ultrasound and blood work this morning they only found three follicles and the 0.9 cyst. I asked if there was any chance of growing more and I was told that there is, however, the problem lays in them not growing big enough, fast enough.

So unfortunately there is nothing I can do, but continue taking my meds and keep praying and hoping. 

I go back for another ultrasound and blood work on Thursday.

Asking for all the prayers you can send my way!

Day 5, Shots 12 *

*Every other day I end up having to take an extra Gonal f shot, because there isn't enough in the pen to make the full 450

Prometrium

Cycle day 50

As unbelievable as it sounds it has been 50 days since the first day of my last period!

Two negative pregnancy tests later... I just started taking prometrium to kick start my period.

A week after I took the first pregnancy test I called the Calgary Regional Fertility Clinic and told the receptionist what was happening. She called me back the next day and told me my doctor wanted to prescribe prometrium.

"Prometrium uses: Progesterone is a type of female hormone (progestin). This medication is similar to the progesterone that your body naturally makes and is given to replace the hormone when your body is not making enough of it. In women who are not pregnant and not going through menopause, this medication si used to restore normal menstrual periods that have stopped for several months (amenorrhea)." - WebMd

I was surprised that they didn't send me for blood work first to check my hormone levels so I took another pregnancy test... just to be sure. It was of course negative.

So I started taking the prometrium. I take two pills for 10 days before going to bed and then I should start my period within a week or so after the last pills.

When I finally do start I will call in to the period hotline and then they will start my file again and I will start the following month.

As always I'm trying not to get too down and I'm trying to build myself back up again.

The roller coaster ride continues.

 

 



Frustrated

frus-trat-ed

adjective

• feeling or expressing distress and annoyance, especially because of inability to change or achieve something.
• prevented from progressing, succeeding, or being fulfilled.

Cycle day 38!

 

Yes, that's right! I am on cycle day 38 and still no period.

 

This morning I finally broke down and took a pregnancy test and no surprise... it was negative. I am beyond frustrated at this point. Sometimes I feel as though this is all a cruel joke.

 

I'm going to call the Regional Fertility Clinic tomorrow to see what they suggest. I'm assuming they will want to send me for blood work, but I'm not sure. The blood work would be able to help figure out whether I ovulated or not, but wouldn't tell much more.

 

Of course my mind is reeling with all the different possibilities...

 

am I just stressed?

 

going into early menopause?

 

am I somehow miraculously pregnant, but its just too soon... I know this one's not true!

 

Not sure what's happening and just wish someone could tell me exactly what was happening and why!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Getting Ready...

Last week I went into the Regional Fertility Clinic to have a follow up

appointment after my surgery and to plan our next steps.

I was happy to find out that my uterus is 'normal'. I do have some uterine fibroids, but they are embedded in my uterine wall which I guess is normal. She did say that I had some scar tissue, but she was able to successfully remove it.

She was unsure how I would have gotten it, but it may have been left over from my miscarriage.

So next month we will begin our third and final round of IUI/IVF. We will start with a medicated IUI with the hopes that I will get enough eggs to be able to switch to IVF. (The reason for doing it this way is so that we don't have to put down as much money up front as we would have to if we started with IVF.)

Our doctor also wrote in our file that we would be interested in adopting an embryo if this round doesn't work out for us. Hopefully we won't have to do this, however, if we do it may help to cut down our wait time.

A few of my friends have been confused by this process so I will try and explain it the best I can.

If Chris and I are unable to conceive on our own we have the option of adopting an embryo from another couple who have successfully had their children through IVF. Often couples will get several embryos when trying IVF. Once they have finished having their children couples can decide what they would like to do with their remaining embryos. Some couples offer to donate them to other couples trying to conceive.

There is no charge for the embryos, however, there are legal fees for the adoption process. It can range from $2000- $5000 plus there is also the cost of having the embryos emplanted.

We would be given three chances to conceive and if we are successful we are only given this opportunity once. We wouldn't be able to try again later to have a second child.

As always I am hoping that we will be able to conceive our own child, however, I do feel good that we have this as a possibility if it doesn't work out for us.

I was in Chapters last week and I saw the cutest onesie. It had a simple picture of a turtle and the caption below read 'Worth the Wait'.

As soon as I saw it I lost my breath and my eyes filled up. It is quite literally the perfect onesie.

So now I am getting ready for our next round... dreaming of being able to one day put that perfect onesie on our perfect little baby.

Wasn`t There

On Wednesday I went into the Foothills hospital to have my Hysteroscopy

 and the removal of my uterine fibroids.

A Hysteroscopy is a procedure that allows your doctor to look inside your uterus in order to diagnose and treat causes of abnormal bleeding. Hysteroscopy is done using a hysteroscope, a thin, lighted tube that is inserted into the vagina to examine the cervix and inside of the uterus.

Chris, my husband, brought me in and held my shaking hand as I waited to be taken in. Its weird that I was confident to have the surgery right up until they admitted me and then all of a sudden my nervous showed up in full force.

Let me take a moment to make a shout-out for all the amazing staff at the Foothills hospital. The nurses, anesthesiologist and my doctor were all so kind and reassuring!

When I finally came too the nurse said that the hysteroscopy went well. When I asked about the fibroid removal he said that there wasn`t any.

WASN`T ANY?

Totally confused I thought he must have been mistaken. So the next morning I called my doctor`s office and talked with her receptionist. It turns out he wasn`t mistaken.

Apparently when my doctor went in she found a few abraisons, however, the uterine fibroids were not there.

NOT THERE?!?

Well you can imagine my surprise. I have no idea what happened, but I am grateful.

I can`t imagine that the ultrasound technician and doctor who performed my sonohysterogram were wrong. During it the doctor did try to dislodge or separate it, but she said that she wasn`t able to. I wonder if perhaps she damaged it enough that my body then was able to take care of it on its own.

I do know that I had so many prayers being said for me and I do believe in the power of prayer. So for all of you who thought and prayed for me thank you!

Uterine Fibroids

I had my vaginal ultrasound and sonohysterogram on Tuesday. As I mentioned in my last post the sonohysterogram is a painful procedure, but one that can help doctors to discover why a woman may be experiencing infertility.

Not only did I discover that I have fibroids, but I also received some unexpected news. It turns out that one of them is spanning almost the full way across my uterus. Although the doctor isn't concerned about it for my health; she did say that it could possibly interfer with an embryo implanting.

If like me you don't know what uterine fibroids are I looked them up on trusty old google and here is what I found out:

"Uterine fibroids are noncancerous growths that develop in or just outside a woman’s uterus (womb). Uterine fibroids develop from normal uterus muscle cells that start growing abnormally. As the cells grow, they form a benign tumor...  Uterine fibroids are extremely common. In fact, many women have uterine fibroids at some point in life. Uterine fibroids in most women are usually too small to cause any problems, or even be noticed." WebMD

She then told me it was up to me whether I wanted to go ahead with our last round or have surgery to have it removed first. In order to have the best possible chance she recommended that I have the surgery.

So that is exactly what I have decided to have done.

I received a phone call from the clinic today to let me know that they have scheduled me in for March 2nd. They are going to send me an information package to let me know more about the procedure and prep.

I know that it is only a day surgery so although I'm a little nervous I feel pretty good about having it done. I will probably only have to miss a couple of days from work and there should be minimal pain and/or cramping.

Part of me wonders how long I've had this particular fibroid and if it is the reason the last two sessions didn't work.

I'll be glad to be going into the last try knowing that I have done everything I possibly can to make this round successful!