Silver Linings

Sometimes I am amazed at the human spirit.

With everything that we go through it is incredible that we can still have hope.

After finding out that we were going to miscarry again I wasn't sure if I would ever have hope again.

It wasn't until afterwards that I was able to start to see some silver linings.

The first was the knowledge that I am surrounded by friends and family who are unbelievably supportive and kind. My amazing family called to check on me everyday and offered to jump on the next plan to be with me. My friends called, honored my wishes when I said I needed space, and then showed up at my door with a care package of pre-made meals and much needed hugs.

The other realization was that I didn't care about having to use donor eggs. Initially I had to go through a bit of a mourning period before we decided to use donor eggs. It was hard to give up the hope of having a child that was genetically linked to me.

After I got pregnant, however, I didn't once think about it. I was simply overjoyed to be pregnant.

From the moment I found out, in my head and especially in my heart, it was OUR baby.

Finally we've found a next step which I'll write about it in my next post.

Not Viable

 We did not get the news that we were praying for.

On Monday we went in for our ultrasound hoping that our baby's heartbeat had gotten stronger.

Unfortunately, they weren't able to find a heartbeat at all.

Not only was there no heartbeat, but they also said that our pregnancy had regressed.

I think the worst part for me was the devastation that I saw on Chris's face.

He stayed so positive throughout this whole ordeal. In fact he was initially excited when we first saw the ultrasound because he could see the gestational sack and thought the baby was fine. When she told us she couldn't find the heartbeat he looked shocked and then shattered.

After the ultrasound we went upstairs and talked with our fertility doctor. She expressed her condolences and made another appointment for me for next week.

After the ultrasound I stopped the estrogen and progesterone. Now it will be just a wait game. I haven't started bleeding yet and have no idea when it will start.

I took today off work, but am planning to go back tomorrow.

I don't think I can handle sitting around waiting for the miscarriage. Last time it took weeks before it started and lasted about a week.

Although I couldn't seem to stop crying yesterday, today I have been feeling completely numb. 

I want to thank all my amazing friends and family who have been so supportive. I honestly don't know what I would do without you all.

Everywhere I Go

Have you ever noticed when you've purchased a new car that all of a sudden you see that car everywhere? Well when you are trying to conceive, it is pregnant women and babies, that you see everywhere you go!

Normally, it doesn't bother me. I love babies and children so usually I can smile and am happy to see them.

Unfortunately, there are some days when it seems to be mocking you. As though everyone in the world is able to have a child except you!

The most painful times were when I was going through my missed miscarriage.

It is called a missed miscarriage because, although something has gone wrong, you don't realize it because your hormone levels haven't gone down yet. Unlike a regular miscarriage I didn't have any bleeding or pain to let me know something was wrong.

In fact, I didn't find out anything was wrong until my first ultrasound and the technician wasn't able to find a heartbeat.

I immediately went to see my doctor, who then sent me to get blood work. In the waiting room I had two pregnant ladies sitting on either side of me. There were also several young children playing quietly around me. I remember sitting there not being able to control the tears from falling down my face.

For the next few weeks, this happened for every appointment and ultrasound I had to attend while trying to find out what was happening.

It was so difficult to be sitting there beside these beautiful women who were glowing in their happiness. It got to the point where I would scan the room before I would sit down.

At my last ultrasound, when I was finally given confirmation that our baby had stopped growing, I had the most beautiful little girl come over, put her hand on my knee and smile at me just before I was called in.

It was such a surreal moment.

I often think about that little girl and wonder how she is.