Silver Linings

Sometimes I am amazed at the human spirit.

With everything that we go through it is incredible that we can still have hope.

After finding out that we were going to miscarry again I wasn't sure if I would ever have hope again.

It wasn't until afterwards that I was able to start to see some silver linings.

The first was the knowledge that I am surrounded by friends and family who are unbelievably supportive and kind. My amazing family called to check on me everyday and offered to jump on the next plan to be with me. My friends called, honored my wishes when I said I needed space, and then showed up at my door with a care package of pre-made meals and much needed hugs.

The other realization was that I didn't care about having to use donor eggs. Initially I had to go through a bit of a mourning period before we decided to use donor eggs. It was hard to give up the hope of having a child that was genetically linked to me.

After I got pregnant, however, I didn't once think about it. I was simply overjoyed to be pregnant.

From the moment I found out, in my head and especially in my heart, it was OUR baby.

Finally we've found a next step which I'll write about it in my next post.

Ongoing

It has been so hard for me to write this post.

Last Friday I went in to have my ultrasound with both my husband and my dad.

We were overjoyed to see our baby and to actually be able to see its heartbeat.

Our joy soon turned to confusion and fear when our technician explained that our baby was measuring 6 weeks and 1 day instead of 7 weeks. She also went on to tell us that our heartbeat was low at 73 instead of being over 100.

They explained that there is a chance that the heart rate can increase and we could still have a normal pregnancy, but that there is cause for concern that it will not be a viable pregnancy.

They contacted the Regional Fertility Clinic to let them know the results of our ultrasound.

We were asked to go upstairs where we waited for about an hour to talk to one of the doctors working.

When we finally got in it was completely awful. The doctor we saw had absolutely no bed side manner. I know they need to be honest with us, however, he immediately told us that we need to prepare that we were going to have a miscarriage.

Chris was so upset he interrupted him to explain that I had been through this before and that we didn't need to hear all this negativity. He went on to say that we would have appreciated some positively or at least been given a glimmer of hope.

We left devastated and with me in tears.

I have another ultrasound booked for Monday.

Now all I can do is pray for a miracle... and yet again, I am asking for all your prayers as well. 

Over 1/2 Way There

I'm just a little over half way through the two week wait.

Every single day I struggle to stay positive and not obsess!

I was feeling really discouraged when we didn't get any fertilized eggs to the blastocyst stage and thereby get frozen.

I felt somewhat comforted when searching online and finding out that typically only half of a women's eggs are viable, not all eggs will fertilize,  and typically less than half of those eggs make it to a blastocyst.

To be honest I don't know how accurate these stats are, but they did make me feel better.

In the past week I have experienced:

bloating, nausea, breast tenderness, lower back pain, and twinges in my uterus

Of course all of these symptoms can be for pregnancy or PMS... AND they all can be side effects of the estrogen and progesterone that they have me on.

So I won't really know anything until I have the blood work done and get the phone call from the Regional Fertility Clinic confirming either way.

In the meantime I am continuing to be hopeful and pray that we will finally get pregnant.

What's Happening

Now that the egg transfer procedure is done the hardest part of the entire process has begun...

The two week wait!

Up until now I have been busy taking a variety of pills, gels and a nasal spray that had to be administered 5 times a day.

In short, I didn't really have time to obsess... now I am quickly making up for lost time.

For three days before having the transfer we were receiving a daily update on how our eggs were doing. Now I have no idea how they are doing or even if they are still developing.

As it is pretty much all I can think about, I have been researching what should be happening.

As I had a three day transfer our fertilized eggs still need to develop and turn into a blastocyst (what it is called when it is made up of around 150 cells).

By about 4 days after the transfer (Tuesday or Wednesday) the blastocyst will break out of its 'shell' and hopefully implant into my uterus. Some women will experience some cramping and spotting, however, last time I didn't experience anything.

So unfortunately there is no real way of knowing until I have the blood test on March 12 which is...

two very long weeks away!

Ultrasound News

This morning I had my ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus.

Up until today I have been taking my different medications automatically and haven't really being feeling a lot of stress.

This morning while driving to the Regional Fertility Program's clinic I had what felt like butterflies with baseball bats slugging it out in my stomach.

The thickness of my uterus lining has always been good so I'm not sure why I got so nervous- other than my body doesn't seem to react well to some of the different medications I have taken.

The ultrasound was not done by my doctor, but by one of the fertility doctors on staff. (As I've mentioned in previous posts the doctors are on a rotating schedule and patients see whomever is working that day).

As this was an ultrasound to check my uterus lining it was done vaginally- I'm pretty sure I've had around 40 of these now so they no longer make me cringe.

The first thing that the doctor mentioned was that he could see something in my lining... which is when my heart and mind started racing.

He then went on to say that the thickness of my lining looked good.

Great news!

Although, to be honest I barely heard that as all of my attention was focused on what did he see and wondering if it was going to prevent us from proceeding.

I immediately asked him if it was uterine fibroids, but he said it looked more like adenomyosis.

'Adenomyosis is a condition in which the inner lining of the uterus (the endometrium) breaks through the muscle wall of the uterus (the myometrium). Adenomyosis can cause menstrual cramps, lower abdominal pressure, and bloating before menstrual periods and can result in heavy periods. The condition can be located throughout the entire uterus or localized in one spot.'

- WebMD

I then asked if he thought it would interfere with implantation. He told me that it is unknown whether or not it affects fertility. Again my mind started spinning, but then I realized that there is nothing I can do about it.

So I've decided to focus on the positive and that is that my lining is good!

My updated schedule looks like this:

Friday, Feb. 17th- (Today) I continue taking my ASA, Suprefact, Estrace and prenatal vitamin.

Tuesday, Feb. 21- I will start taking 2 antibiotics a day, 16 mg (4 pills) of Medrol and an evening dose of Crinone (starting tomorrow I take 2 doses a day 12 hours apart)

Wednesday, Feb. 22- Chris goes in to provide his sperm sample to fertilize the eggs and they thaw our eggs

Thursday, Feb. 23- We should be given an update of how the fertilization process is going. I also take the last dose of Suprefact.

Friday, Feb. 24- We will be given another update of how the fertilization process is going.

Depending on how things are going we will be looking at having the transfer on Saturday the 25th or Monday the 27th.

The new drugs I'll be taking are:

Medrol- This steroid hormone is sometimes taken when the Assisted-Hatch procedure is being done in conjunction with the Embryo transfer. It is taken to suppress any inflammatory reaction that might occur between the embryo(s) and the endometrial lining.'                                      -Family Beginnings

Crinone- Progesterone gel
     

Getting Ready... Again

In order to prepare for this donor egg round there was several things I needed to do first.

Of course there were the usual blood tests that I needed to have done. Those were to check my hormone levels of which I was told looked 'good'.

I also had to have another sonohysterogram.

To say that I was beyond scared to have this one would be an understatement.

Thankfully this time it was a completely different story. I can't believe that I'm saying this, especially after all the pain I experienced last time, but it really wasn't that bad!

The technician and doctor told me that my uterus looked 'normal' and they would verify with my doctor that I was ok to go ahead with this round.

When I asked about my uterine fibroids they said they didn't see any... they mentioned it looked like I may have adenomyosis, but otherwise my uterus looked good.  I guess fibroids really can disappear?

Once I was given the all clear I had to wait to start my period so they could put me on the pill. Although this seems contradictory they do this to regulate my period and have a clear timeline.

After a month on the pill and another period, I then had to start taking Suprefact nasal spray 5 times a day. The Suprefact stops my body from producing my own hormones. I also started taking one lose dose Aspirin and prenatal vitamin a day.

Then 17 days later I started taking 2 Estrace pills twice a day. The Estrace is a form of estrogen that I need to take to build up my uterus lining.

On the 17th I will go in to have an ultrasound to check my lining. If everything looks good we may be having the transfer on the 24 or 26.

I have some other medications that I will need to take, but I haven't been given the timeline for them.

I'll update again when I have more information.

Choosing Our Egg Donor

If you have ever tried online dating then you have an idea

how strange and bizarre it is to choose an egg donor.

Once Chris and I paid our registration fee and had all our tests completed we were given full access to the available donors at My Egg Bank.

We were then able to narrow down the donors according to their race, hair colour, eye colour, and even blood type. Once it was narrowed down we could then click and read a medical history, personal questionnaire and even see photos of the donor as a child.

Chris and I had many conversations about the criteria we wanted to use in order to choose our donor eggs.

The top things that we were looking for were:

good health history, appearance and intelligence!

To clarify by appearance we were looking for someone who looked as much like me as possible. We searched for someone with the same hair and eye colour, as well as a similar height.

For intelligence, Chris wanted it to be someone who shared my love of literature and the arts... as he said there will be enough of an analytical engineer brain coming from him!

After searching for several days we narrowed it down to two candidates: one that was most like me physically, and a second that wrote the most amazing responses.

We ended up going with the donor who had, what we felt, were the most heart felt answers. The answer that really sealed our decision was the one in which she was asked why she was donating.

In her response she talked about focusing on her career and perhaps needed to use the program in the future. She also talked about the fact that she was not raised by her biological father, and therefore, understands that "parental love transcends genetics". She went on to say "Genetics aren't what binds the parent-child relationship, love and nurturing are."

Honestly is that not the best response ever?!

Its not cheap!

You may be curious to just how much it costs. I thought I would break it down as much as I could.

The costs of course vary for different clinics, but I would imagine that they would be similar- at least throughout Canada.

Although, the cost are ridiculously expensive, because we are doing a frozen donor egg cycle, it is significantly less expensive then a fresh donor cycle. (It is also the only option that we have.)

Registration Fee-                                    $825.00   

Vitrified Egg Donor IVF Cycle-            $5750.00
Donor Eggs                                            $11000.00 (US Dollars)
Shipping of Eggs                                   $1030.00
Mock Cycle                                           $250.00 (didn't need to do this)
Drug Costs                                             $500.00 to $2400.00
Embryo Cryopreservation                      $925.00
Thawing & Replacing frozen embryos  $1280.0

Who ever said having a baby isn't cheap wasn't exaggerating! But it will be worth it!

At this time I don't know the exact costs as I'm not sure how much the drugs are going to cost me. I am really fortunate to have really good coverage through my work.

*All the prices are in Canadian dollars except of course the donor eggs which is American dollars.

Egg Donation

Egg donation... I've had a lot of people asking me what it even means.

Egg donation is when a woman donates her eggs to a woman who is unable to conceive using her own. The donor eggs are then inseminated with the husband's sperm (or from the sperm of a donor). The fertilized eggs are then implanted via IVF into the woman's womb.

So this means:

Genetically the child will be Chris's, but genetically the child will not be mine.

I will, however, be able to carry, give birth and nurse this child.

By law, I will be considered the child's biological mother- as I am the one who will carry and give birth to him or her.

And the best part, if it's successful, we could become pregnant next month! We wouldn't have to wait three or four years, but hopefully only 10 months!

In Canada it is illegal to purchase eggs from a woman, however, somehow it is legal to purchase them from a woman in the United States???

I believe the get around it by the fact that we actually purchase the eggs from the clinic.

The Regional Fertility Program here in Calgary collaborates with  My Egg Bank in the United States. The eggs are frozen and transported to the clinic here where they remain frozen until the time for them to be fertilized.

We purchase 6 eggs from one single donor. It costs $11 000 US dollar for the 6 eggs.

The survival rate of the eggs is over 90%, and the Egg Bank guarantees at least 4 eggs. However, if only 3 eggs survive and we get pregnant with one of them it is still considered a success.

The success rates for an IVF with donor eggs is around 66%.