No News

This morning I woke up early to get to the Lab Services before they opened. The clinic opens at 6:30 and I arrived around ten after six. Imagine my surprise when there was actually 11 people in front of me waiting!

Luckily I did get finished in enough time to get to work on time.

I kept my phone with me all afternoon (something I never do), but unfortunately I didn't hear anything from the Regional Fertility Clinic.

When they gave me the results last Friday, the nurse on the phone did mention that I would have the blood work taken today and then get the results tomorrow. I was, of course, hoping that I would find out this afternoon.

I'm now hoping that I will find out first thing tomorrow morning before I go to work. I have to work to until around 8;30 p.m. tomorrow so I hope it is good news. I can't imagine how I'll get through the day if it is bad!

IVF and Ectopic Pregnancy

My cousin Candace, like me, didn't understand how it was even possible to have an ectopic pregnancy when you have IVF.

I thought if they are putting the fertilized eggs directly into my uterus how could they end up in my fallopian tubes since they are not even traveling through them?

So I did a google search and here is what I found out:

"Fertility specialists believe that ectopic pregnancy may occur if, when the embryos are transferred to the womb, they are placed too high in the womb cavity. The embryos then have a greater chance of "wandering" and implanting themselves in places where they are not supposed to be, such as the fallopian tubes. Embryos could also make their way into the fallopian tubes if they are injected into the womb with too much force."            -Women's Health

The rates for an ectopic pregnancy are slightly higher with IVF, but to put it into perspective it is only a 2 - 5% risk. In a natural pregnancy it is a 1 -2 % risk.

While researching I also found out that ectopic pregnancies can take place when the embryo implants in the cervix, an ovary or even in the abdomen. The reason why we typically hear about them implanting in the fallopian tubes is that it is more common, and also because it can be very dangerous and even life-threatening for the mother.

Symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy are:

Light vaginal bleeding
Nausea and vomiting with pain
Lower abdominal pain
Sharp abdominal cramps
Pain on one side of your body
Dizziness or weakness
Pain in your shoulder, neck, or rectum

If you are pregnant and experience any of these symptoms you should immediately seek medical help.

*p.s. I'm trying to remain positive. I'm still praying and hoping that this pregnancy will be successful!

Mixed Emotions

For all my complaining about the 2 week wait... I am now terrified for it to be over.

Tomorrow I go for my blood work and will finally find out the results on Monday.

Right now I have the possibility of being pregnant. If I find out that it is negative on Monday I loose that hope... that possibility.
  
As I mentioned previously I have been experiencing mixed symptoms which are most likely side effects from the Medrol (estrogen) and Crinone (progesterone). 

The one side effect that causes me the most fear is the back pain. I have been trying to reassure myself by looking up early pregnancy symptoms. (Like I've done a million times before!)

Lower back pain can be a symptom of pregnancy, but it also is the symptom I always experience a week before I start my period. The one silver lining is that I was experiencing some lower back pain before I even had the transfer so I'm wondering if it is simply a side effect of my adenomyosis. 

For now all I can do is hope and pray. 
 

Over 1/2 Way There

I'm just a little over half way through the two week wait.

Every single day I struggle to stay positive and not obsess!

I was feeling really discouraged when we didn't get any fertilized eggs to the blastocyst stage and thereby get frozen.

I felt somewhat comforted when searching online and finding out that typically only half of a women's eggs are viable, not all eggs will fertilize,  and typically less than half of those eggs make it to a blastocyst.

To be honest I don't know how accurate these stats are, but they did make me feel better.

In the past week I have experienced:

bloating, nausea, breast tenderness, lower back pain, and twinges in my uterus

Of course all of these symptoms can be for pregnancy or PMS... AND they all can be side effects of the estrogen and progesterone that they have me on.

So I won't really know anything until I have the blood work done and get the phone call from the Regional Fertility Clinic confirming either way.

In the meantime I am continuing to be hopeful and pray that we will finally get pregnant.

What's Happening

Now that the egg transfer procedure is done the hardest part of the entire process has begun...

The two week wait!

Up until now I have been busy taking a variety of pills, gels and a nasal spray that had to be administered 5 times a day.

In short, I didn't really have time to obsess... now I am quickly making up for lost time.

For three days before having the transfer we were receiving a daily update on how our eggs were doing. Now I have no idea how they are doing or even if they are still developing.

As it is pretty much all I can think about, I have been researching what should be happening.

As I had a three day transfer our fertilized eggs still need to develop and turn into a blastocyst (what it is called when it is made up of around 150 cells).

By about 4 days after the transfer (Tuesday or Wednesday) the blastocyst will break out of its 'shell' and hopefully implant into my uterus. Some women will experience some cramping and spotting, however, last time I didn't experience anything.

So unfortunately there is no real way of knowing until I have the blood test on March 12 which is...

two very long weeks away!

Slap in the Face

Sometimes I just don't understand.

Just when I'm building myself up to have my surgery on Wednesday I get what feels like yet another slap in the face...

I have to go in for bloodwork tomorrow morning because I am currently on cycle day 34 and still haven't gotten my period. Now before anyone gets excited, I already took a pregnancy test on Tuesday (cycle day 31) and it was negative.

In fact, the only reason I called the clinic was because I was concerned that not having my period could cause an issue with the surgery.

Of course as soon as she said that they wanted to send me for bloodwork to make sure I wasn't pregnant I immediately teared up. I know that there is about a 0.23% chance of me being pregnant right now, but there is still that little part of me that keeps hoping for a miracle.

The funny (?) thing is when my period didn't come around Day 25 (which it typically does) I was excited because I thought my cycle was going to be an average 28 day cycle. I thought perhaps the DHEA that my doctor prescribed was working.

One of the concerns I had when my period didn't come and I got the negative pregnancy test was that I was going into menopause. Thankfully when I voiced my concern with the lady from the Regional Fertitlity Clinic she reassured me that it was very unlikely and probably due to stress over my operation on Wednesday.

So I'll get up tomorrow and get the blood work done... even though I already know what the result will be.

Perspective

So after my little pity party last night I went onto to Facebook to get my mind off of everything. While scrolling through my home page I found a touching video of a little girl singing to her mother who has cancer. If you haven't seen the video it is absolutely heart breaking.

The little girl McKenna sings a Martina McBride's song entitled "I'm Going to Love You Through It." The song is all about loving someone going through cancer. In the initial video McKenna surprised her mom by singing the song to her, but since then she sings it to her all the time.

Ellen Degeneres saw a video of her singing to her mom and then invited them onto her show. Ellen also invited Martina McBride to join McKenna in singing it to her mom.

If you haven't seen it here is the link:

 http://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/news/a47977/girl-sings-to-mom-fighting-cancer-on-ellen/

Talk about putting things into perspective!

Does it suck that Chris and I haven't been able to get pregnant again? YES!!!

Does it hurt every single day? YES!!

Do I wish that I could something to change it? YES!!

Could things be worse? YES!!

As awful as it is, I need to remind myself that we are healthy, that we are in a loving relationship, and that we have the love and support of so many family and friends.

Dark Clouds Looming

For the last few days I have been experiencing lower back pain.

On the weekend, Chris and I were winterizing our backyard, and for the last couple of days I kept trying to convince myself that it was because of the yard work that I was experiencing the pain.

Unfortunately, I know that I typically get lower back pain a week before I start my period.

Today all the doubt and worry came crashing down on me and I found myself crying while driving home from work. I just couldn't shake the feeling that yet again it wasn't going to work for us.

When I got home and walked into the door I scared poor Chris half to death.

After explaining what I was feeling he did exactly the right thing... he just held me.

After our hugging session I went to the washroom only to find red spotting... a lot of red spotting!

Definitely not what I was hoping to see!

I feel so frustrated, angry and unbelievably sad. 

I want to yell and scream about the unfairness of our situation. I want to lay on the floor and kick and scream like a two year old. But mostly, I want someone to give me a magical pill which will let us conceive and be able to stay pregnant.

So tonight I'm letting myself cry.

And if I need to I'll let myself cry again tomorrow... and the next night... and the next...

Until eventually I can build myself back up again.

Feeling Discouraged

It is raining today which perfectly matches my mood.

I don't have a good feeling about the success of this cycle. I continue to have lower back pain which I always get the week before I start my period. Yesterday I also noticed a slight discolouration in my discharge (sorry if this is too much information).

It isn't looking good.

I'm trying not to get too discouraged, but to be honest I'm not succeeding.

This morning, I calculated how much we've spent on this cycle. With the refund we received we ended up paying $1700 for the medicated IUI. We also paid $1268.63 for all the different drugs. That makes a total of $2968.63.

Our refund of $5965.00, would cover two more similar rounds.

I just don't know whether or not this is what we should do.

Part of me wonders when we should begin looking at alternatives. I still desperately want Chris and I to have our own biological children, however, I'm beginning to wonder if it is in the cards for us.

The hardest part is not knowing.

If I knew for sure it would work for us I could keep going indefinitely until it happens, but if it isn't going to work I'd rather just move on to the next step.

I wish someone could tell me either way.

I'm grateful that Chris is coming home this evening so that we can talk about all this. He will also be here when I go in for my blood work, although he won't be here for the results. Because of that, I've decided that I will do a home pregnancy test the morning of my blood work.

So two more days... four until I get the official results.

Still Waiting

It is officially two weeks after my IUI. It is also my cycle day 29.

Normally a woman is able to test to see whether or not she is pregnant at this time.

My doctor has ordered me to get my blood work done on Saturday, which will be cycle day 32. By that time there should be no mistaking whether or not I am pregnant. There should be enough HSG hormones in my body that I won't have to worry about a false negative. It also should be long enough past my HSG trigger shot that I won't get a false positive.

I have to confess I almost took a pregnancy test today... in fact I came ridiculously close!

The nurse who performed the IUI told me that I could take a home pregnancy test the morning of my blood work so that I can be prepared. Because I'm having the blood test on Saturday I won't get their results until Monday.

I don't even have the comfort of not having started my period yet because the Endometrin that I am taking stops you from starting your period; along with all its other side effects.

So I find myself in this weird limbo of both wanting to know and also not wanting to find out, because if I don't know there is still a chance.

I haven't decided whether to take the home pregnancy test on Saturday or not. I can't imagine if I took it and it was negative how I would then go in to get the blood work.

So for now I wait... hoping and praying for a miracle.

Faith Rocked

I am Catholic. 

Born, baptized, prayers before bed, Sunday school, First Holy Communion, Confirmation, and married Catholic!

I don't talk about it very often, but I have always had a strong faith. Having said that, I have always considered myself to be more of a spiritual person rather than a 'religious' person. 

Why? 

Well, even though I identify myself as being Catholic, I don't always agree with everything the Catholic Church stands for. For example, I can't agree with their stands against homosexuality, birth control, and women's role, or rather, their lack of a role in the church. 

I do, however,  love a lot of Catholic traditions and I do get great comfort from my faith. 

I would be lying though if I didn't say that my struggles with infertility have been difficult on my faith. It is hard not to wonder why this is happening and why God hasn't answered my prayers. 

I sometimes feel like a spoiled toddler who doesn't understand why her parents aren't giving her what she wants. I even feel sacrilegious just writing this!

I know the saying that all things happen in God's time and I believe in free will. I also don't blame God for natural disasters, disease or the evil that some people commit. 

Although I believe all this, when I'm having my down moments I still struggle. 

I remember years ago getting into a heated debate with a great friend about faith. She thought that the faith of the poor was much stronger, whereas I believed that it was those who have everything, and don't need anything, that had the stronger faith.

What I never took into consideration was how easy it is to have faith when you have lived a blessed life. 

I was born in an amazing country in which I was able to go to school, practice my religion and be treated, more or less, equally to boys. 

I was born into a loving family who told me I was loved on a daily basis.

I always had enough food to eat, clothes to wear, and never truly wanted for anything. 

My life wasn't completely perfect, I did experience the death of loved ones, divorce of my parents, as well as, typical hurts and disappointments; but I am grateful everyday for my life. 

So other than questioning some of the Catholic Church's beliefs, I have always been confident in my faith. 

It really wasn't until I faced this adversity that I began having doubts. 

I haven't lost my faith, but I will say that it was rocked.

After a lot of self-reflection, I have come to realize that maybe I needed this to happen to make my faith stronger. That maybe it is ok to question and think deeper. 

I also know that if Chris and I are lucky enough to have children there will be no doubts that we desperately want them. 

Dreaded Two Week Wait

Ok, I know I've already complained about this waiting period, but I'm

pretty sure if you were to talk to any woman trying to get pregnant she would tell you that it is this two week wait that is the most difficult part of trying to conceive.

The two week wait is the time period between when a woman has ovulated and there is enough pregnancy hormones present in her body that she could take a home pregnancy test. 

This time turns a normally sane woman into frantic, over analyzing, crazy person...Well that's what it does to me anyway!

Here is a list of just some of the crazy things I've done:

* Googled every twinge, ache or pain... several times!

* Squeezed my breasts, several times, to see if they are sore (which surprise - they are - that is they are by the time I've finished checking them!)

* Started a list of possible baby names

* Searched baby nursery ideas

* Gotten excited over an upset stomach

* Prayed, pleaded and begged for this to be the month

* Read other women's success stories

* Not exercised in case I might somehow dislodge the embryo

* Imagined symptoms so strongly I was convinced I must be pregnant

* Googled early pregnancy symptoms... again and again several times!

The one thing that I have stopped myself from doing is testing early... although I am guilty of retesting after having gotten a negative result... just in case!

I am curious... is anyone else guilty of doing any of these... or anything else just as crazy?

If not, please tell me what you do to keep yourself sane!?!

My Imperfect Life

This past week has been difficult, and although I continue to try to remain positive, I have my down moments.

Last night I was having one of those down moments when I received a message on my Messenger account. The message was from a friend that I haven't seen in awhile.

She is a gorgeous mother of two beautiful children so I was surprised to read that she has been following my blog.

She shared with me how she had experienced a scare with her last pregnancy and how she understood the pain of waiting to see what was going to happen.

She also explained how my blog has helped her in an unexpected way:

"...I thought I would let you know that while I realize your blog is aimed toward helping other families experiencing the same things, it has helped me in a different way. The first night I saw your post on Facebook I was having a truly horrible night dealing with a hysterical baby that I just couldn't console. I was at my wits end and had spend most of the night sobbing in the room while pacing back and forth exhausted beyond belief and just feeling like I couldn't do it. When I finally got him to calm down enough to eat I read your blog and it put so much into perspective and gave me the strength I needed to get through it. It was a blessing for me that night..."

I can't begin to explain how much this message touched me. As soon as I read it, I burst into tears.

As I've mentioned in the past, I began this blog as a way to deal with all the emotions that I was experiencing. I had a vague hope that maybe I would also be able to help another woman, a stranger, going through a similar struggle.

I am constantly amazed how my blog has helped to open the door for family and friends to share their experiences. It has affirmed the importance of being transparent, open and honest with your loved ones.

If we only share the good in our lives, when something does go wrong, we are left feeling isolated and alone.

In our social media filled world of Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and Twitter, instead of being more connected we often feel disconnected.

We are all guilty of sharing only our best photos, amazing vacations and personal successes so that by all outward appearances our lives look perfect.

If we let it, Social Media can make us feel like our lives are not good enough, or even worse that we are not good enough.

I hope by sharing my struggles I can be a part of a change. So that everyone who does happen to read my blog realizes that NO, I am not perfect, and it is ok if they aren't perfect either!

Instead of only celebrating the perfect moments in our lives, let's share our real imperfect lives!

Watched Kettle

Have you ever heard the saying: A watched kettle never boils?

That's how I feel about how slowly the time is passing before I get to find out if this IUI was successful or not.

Although it feels as though I had the procedure at least a month ago, it was actually only a week ago today!

I knew that the hardest part would be waiting, but like most things in life, knowing something and experiencing it are two different things!

I didn't think about how much I would be trying to analyze every little cramp or twinge I felt.

As I mentioned yesterday, I have been experiencing lower backaches, which I normally experience the week before my period. This has been really discouraging, but I keep trying to remain positive.

Today I was also experiencing cramping and this evening I have a really upset stomach. These can be symptoms of pregnancy, PMS, as well as common side effects of the Endometrin.

If I don't start my period beforehand, I won't find out for another 11 days! 

Thank goodness for amazing friends and family. Honestly I don't know how I would be able to get through this without all the love and support that I have been receiving.