Beating a Dead Horse

Beat a Dead Horse- to waste time doing something that has already been attempted.

-Cambridge Dictionary of American Idioms 

 As I mentioned in my last post there are several different options that I researched in trying to figure out what would be the best next step for Chris and I to take.  

One of the options would be for us to continue trying IUI rounds with the hopes of getting enough eggs to be able to switch to IVF. The problem with this is that each round costs around $3000 and each time we have tried I have only gotten between 3 or 4 follicles.

I have been put onto the maximum amount of medications that can safely be administered and last attempt we even tried to add DHEA and C0-Q10.

When I talked with my doctor after our last failed cycle she did have some good news. Although I didn't produce very many egg follicles my body did produce a thick lining and my hormone levels were good. Unfortunately, she did conclude that it didn't seem as though my body is going to produce enough eggs to make IVF viable.

Weighing all the information we made the difficult decision to not try IUI / IVF again. Perhaps if we had unlimited money we would keep trying, but honestly even then I don't know if we would. We have been trying for almost 2 years and we haven't gotten any closer to success.

 

Research

After our last let down I have spent hours and hours researching all the different options that are still available for us.

I wish I had know / had more information about some of these options earlier, although maybe I've needed to go through all these stages in order to get to the place I am now.

Hopefully this information will help someone else who is just starting out on this journey. Maybe it will help them to make some decisions and perhaps save them some time!

Option 1- Continue trying IUI / IVF

Option 2- Adoption- both regular and private

Option 3- Embryo Adoption

Option 4- Egg donation

I gathered a lot of information in the past month and to prevent writing a ridiculously long post I have decided to write a separate post for each option. I will also fill you in on which Chris and I finally decided to choose.

I should also mention that there is of course also...

Option 5- Live without Children

But honestly this really isn't an option for us right now as Chris and I are not ready to give up!

Bad News

Bad news... it didn't work... again! 

My heart is broken and I think I'm in disbelief. I really hoped that it was going to work for us.

I'm sorry I didn't update sooner, but after I had the IUI procedure done I went home to visit with my family. I didn't bring my laptop with me and I enjoyed just spending time with everyone.

At first I was hopeful then the lower back pain started and I knew it hadn't worked yet again.

The hardest part was having to tell Chris.

I'm back in Calgary now just trying to build myself up and figure out what our next steps are going to be.

One More Day

So much has happened since my last post.

I went in on Thursday to have another ultrasound and to have my blood work taken. Yet again I found out that my follicles are growing...
growing slowly, but still growing!

The doctor told me he thought they would be big enough to trigger Friday night and therefore have my IUI on Sunday. He asked me to come in on Friday morning (today) for another ultrasound, but that I didn't need to get the blood work taken. I was told I wouldn't have to get a number and wait, but instead they made an appointment for me for 9:25 a,m.

Later that afternoon, I received a phone call that the doctor changed his mind and wanted me to go in for both the blood work and the ultrasound. So my appointment was cancelled and instead I would need to go when the doors opened at 6:00 a.m. to get a number.

Of course when they called I was working and I didn't really process anything. It wasn't until afterwards that I started worrying that they might had found something in my blood work that made him want me to have it taken again.

After work I noticed I had a message on my phone. When I listened to the message it was from someone at the Regional Fertility Clinic. The message mentioned that they wanted me to get the blood work taken and that she wanted to go over the dosages of medication I was taking...

Dosages?

The person I spoke to on the phone hadn't mentioned any change in dosages so of course my mind began spinning yet again. When I tried to call back my call went straight to their answering service. I left a message, but didn't hear back from anyone.

Not sure what to do I just took my regular dosages and hoped for the best!

This morning I woke up with a start at 5:18 and realized I had forgotten to set my alarm the night before. I quickly got ready and drove to the clinic. I was shocked to discover I was going to be fourth in line.

Thank goodness I got fourth as it was extremely busy and I ended up getting to work just as the bell was ringing.

During my ultrasound I was relieved to learn that my follicles had continued growing and that I was ready to trigger. I was a little disappointed to learn that three more follicles had started growing, but that all but one would be too small. (I was disappointed because I had originally hoped to get 5 or 6 follicles so we could switch to IVF- unfortunately my extras came too late.)

With the extra one that might grow large enough I have four follicles... and hopefully four healthy eggs!

Tonight at midnight I will need to take my trigger shot.

Trigger shot- " injection of a medication called HCG, which causes the eggs to complete the maturation process. This is taken only once in the cycle. Release of the eggs should occur about 36-46 hours after the shot."                                          

 - Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago

Then Chris will go into the clinic Sunday morning to give his sperm sample to be washed and I will go in at 1:30 to have the IUI procedure. 

One more day and then it will be completely out of our hands.

Still Growing

This morning I had another appointment to check my blood work and see how my follicles are growing.

And I found out they are growing... albeit slowly!

So they wrote me another prescription for the next couple of days and they want me to go back on Thursday for another ultrasound and blood work.

So there is still hope.

I can't help but think about the phrase 'slowly but surely.'

Hopefully my follicles will slowly but surely grow and mature.
Day 12, shots 37

Still Hoping

On Saturday I went in for yet another ultrasound and to have my blood work taken.

I was happy to learn that my follicles have grown, albeit slowly.

The doctor on call was so sweet and was trying to be so positive. As she came into the room she said:

 "Three follicles! The perfect number we like to see for an IUI';"

not knowing of course that I had been hoping to have enough follicles to switch to IVF. When I mentioned this she said that next time they just have to increase my amounts... again not realizing that I'm already on the highest dose.

But as I keep reminding myself there is still hope. Although, things didn't go as I had initially wanted, there is still a chance that this round will work.

So tomorrow morning I go in again for another ultrasound and to get my blood work taken.

Hopefully my follicles are still growing...

Hopefully there are some healthy eggs growing inside...

Hopefully those eggs mature...

Hopefully this third round is the lucky round we have been waiting for!

Day 11, Shots 33

Roller Coaster Ride Continued

Roller coaster ride doesn't even begin to cover the myriad of emotions that I have been going through the past few days.

As I mentioned in my last post I was so disappointed to only have three follicles this round, but yesterday things got even worse. When I went for my ultrasound and blood work I found out that my follicles had not grown much at all.

The doctor who performed the ultrasound expressed his concern that we might have to cancel the round. He wanted to wait and see what my blood work showed. If my estrogen wasn't increasing then we would have to cancel.

So I went home and cried, and cried, AND CRIED.

Thankfully I had taken a personal day and had made plans with a good friend. This made me wipe my tears, take a deep breath and get up and go out.

So while I waited to hear back from the clinic we went for a pedicure and went to Canmore for lunch. Believe it or not I was actually able to enjoy myself and was able to take my mind off everything for a short time.

By 2:00 everything changed. I still hadn't gotten a phone call and I started panicking. I knew that if I was continuing I was going to need to get to the pharmacy before they closed at 3:30. (I found out later they actually close at 3:00 so I had even less time then I actually thought!)

If you've read any of my previous posts you will know that it is almost impossible to actually get to talk to anyone directly... you almost always have to leave a message and wait for them to call you back. This time was no exception. I had to call three different times and leave different messages one with the IUI extension, one with reception and one with the IVF extension.

Thankfully I finally did get a return phone call and was told that my estrogen had gone up so off we rushed to get to the pharmacy before it closed. We got there just in time!

Tomorrow I go in for another ultrasound and blood work.

To be honest, I'm not feeling very optimistic.

Day 8, shots 20

Disappointed

Sometimes I feel like this is never going to happen for us. 

Today was one of those days. 

I've been trying to psych myself us for this final third round, hoping that the added DHEA was going to make the difference for us- that this time we would get enough eggs to be able to switch to an IVF cycle.

If you haven't already guessed there isn't much hope of that happening.

When I went in for my ultrasound and blood work this morning they only found three follicles and the 0.9 cyst. I asked if there was any chance of growing more and I was told that there is, however, the problem lays in them not growing big enough, fast enough.

So unfortunately there is nothing I can do, but continue taking my meds and keep praying and hoping. 

I go back for another ultrasound and blood work on Thursday.

Asking for all the prayers you can send my way!

Day 5, Shots 12 *

*Every other day I end up having to take an extra Gonal f shot, because there isn't enough in the pen to make the full 450

And it's begun

Well I've officially started this new round! Although I had the blood work and ultrasound done yesterday it wasn't until I took my shots this evening that it felt real.

One of my good friends was asking me if they have changed my procedure this time around and the short answer is no.

I have already been put onto the largest dose they give, but this will be the first time that I have tried while taking DHEA and Coq10.

So here is exactly what I am taking every day...

At breakfast: 1 low dose Aspirin,  25 mg DHEA, 100mg Ubiquinol (CoQ10)

At lunch: 25 mg DHEA, 100 mg Ubiquinol (CoQ10), 1 prenatal vitamin

At 4:25: 1 injection of 450 IU Gonal f, 1 injection of 150 IU Menopur 

At supper: 25 mg DHEA, 100 mg Ubiquinol (CoQ10)

I do this each day until Monday morning at which time I will go in for more blood work and another ultrasound. Depending on what's happening they will either get me to continue or perhaps adjust my meds. 

Fingers crossed I have lots of follicles this time so we can switch over to IVF!

I've been asked how many shots I have to take... and to be honest I have no idea so I've decided to start a running tally.

Day 1- Shots- 2

Waiting

I thought I should write a quick update of where things stand for us right now.

As per normal we are in the waiting stage...

Honestly I feel as though this is where I spend the majority of my time...

Waiting to see if my period is going to start,
waiting to hear back from the clinic,
waiting to get started on the next cycle,
waiting to see if this is the month I finally get pregnant!

My period finally did come after cycle day 55! Crazy!

I'm currently on day 16 of this new cycle and when my period comes I will call into the Period Hotline to start our new and final cycle. Chris and I weren't

Period Hotline, don't you just love the name?

My nerves have been kicking in, although, I'm trying my best to stay as calm as possible. I actually started watching 'Just for Laughs' and comedians like Wanda Sykes. Her waxing for the first time stand up routine had me laughing so hard I had tears running down my face.

I'll write more often once we actually get started... for now there isn't much to say.

Thankfully I should have report cards finished before the start of the next cycle so at least I won't be trying to both at the same time!

Frustrated

frus-trat-ed

adjective

• feeling or expressing distress and annoyance, especially because of inability to change or achieve something.
• prevented from progressing, succeeding, or being fulfilled.

Cycle day 38!

 

Yes, that's right! I am on cycle day 38 and still no period.

 

This morning I finally broke down and took a pregnancy test and no surprise... it was negative. I am beyond frustrated at this point. Sometimes I feel as though this is all a cruel joke.

 

I'm going to call the Regional Fertility Clinic tomorrow to see what they suggest. I'm assuming they will want to send me for blood work, but I'm not sure. The blood work would be able to help figure out whether I ovulated or not, but wouldn't tell much more.

 

Of course my mind is reeling with all the different possibilities...

 

am I just stressed?

 

going into early menopause?

 

am I somehow miraculously pregnant, but its just too soon... I know this one's not true!

 

Not sure what's happening and just wish someone could tell me exactly what was happening and why!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still Waiting...

The reason I haven't written a post about our next round is that I am still waiting to start my period! I am currently on cycle day 34 and other than experiencing my typical back pain there is no sign of my period starting.

Can you say frustrating?!

The last time my period was this late it was the month that I was going in to have my surgery. I was so worried at the time that I was going into early menopause, but the nurse assured me it was probably just stress.

So I'm hoping that I'm just stressed about this last cycle...

It is so funny how I can be so stressed that my body will delay having its period yet I don't 'feel' like I am that worried.

I remember when a friend of mine passed away a few years ago. I thought I was doing ok except for having the bad timing of also getting a stomach flu...

Stomach flu? Ha! Not quite!

Turns out I was so upset I actually made myself physically sick!

So here I sit waiting to start my period when normally it is the last thing I want to happen.

Getting Ready...

Last week I went into the Regional Fertility Clinic to have a follow up

appointment after my surgery and to plan our next steps.

I was happy to find out that my uterus is 'normal'. I do have some uterine fibroids, but they are embedded in my uterine wall which I guess is normal. She did say that I had some scar tissue, but she was able to successfully remove it.

She was unsure how I would have gotten it, but it may have been left over from my miscarriage.

So next month we will begin our third and final round of IUI/IVF. We will start with a medicated IUI with the hopes that I will get enough eggs to be able to switch to IVF. (The reason for doing it this way is so that we don't have to put down as much money up front as we would have to if we started with IVF.)

Our doctor also wrote in our file that we would be interested in adopting an embryo if this round doesn't work out for us. Hopefully we won't have to do this, however, if we do it may help to cut down our wait time.

A few of my friends have been confused by this process so I will try and explain it the best I can.

If Chris and I are unable to conceive on our own we have the option of adopting an embryo from another couple who have successfully had their children through IVF. Often couples will get several embryos when trying IVF. Once they have finished having their children couples can decide what they would like to do with their remaining embryos. Some couples offer to donate them to other couples trying to conceive.

There is no charge for the embryos, however, there are legal fees for the adoption process. It can range from $2000- $5000 plus there is also the cost of having the embryos emplanted.

We would be given three chances to conceive and if we are successful we are only given this opportunity once. We wouldn't be able to try again later to have a second child.

As always I am hoping that we will be able to conceive our own child, however, I do feel good that we have this as a possibility if it doesn't work out for us.

I was in Chapters last week and I saw the cutest onesie. It had a simple picture of a turtle and the caption below read 'Worth the Wait'.

As soon as I saw it I lost my breath and my eyes filled up. It is quite literally the perfect onesie.

So now I am getting ready for our next round... dreaming of being able to one day put that perfect onesie on our perfect little baby.

Uterine Fibroids

I had my vaginal ultrasound and sonohysterogram on Tuesday. As I mentioned in my last post the sonohysterogram is a painful procedure, but one that can help doctors to discover why a woman may be experiencing infertility.

Not only did I discover that I have fibroids, but I also received some unexpected news. It turns out that one of them is spanning almost the full way across my uterus. Although the doctor isn't concerned about it for my health; she did say that it could possibly interfer with an embryo implanting.

If like me you don't know what uterine fibroids are I looked them up on trusty old google and here is what I found out:

"Uterine fibroids are noncancerous growths that develop in or just outside a woman’s uterus (womb). Uterine fibroids develop from normal uterus muscle cells that start growing abnormally. As the cells grow, they form a benign tumor...  Uterine fibroids are extremely common. In fact, many women have uterine fibroids at some point in life. Uterine fibroids in most women are usually too small to cause any problems, or even be noticed." WebMD

She then told me it was up to me whether I wanted to go ahead with our last round or have surgery to have it removed first. In order to have the best possible chance she recommended that I have the surgery.

So that is exactly what I have decided to have done.

I received a phone call from the clinic today to let me know that they have scheduled me in for March 2nd. They are going to send me an information package to let me know more about the procedure and prep.

I know that it is only a day surgery so although I'm a little nervous I feel pretty good about having it done. I will probably only have to miss a couple of days from work and there should be minimal pain and/or cramping.

Part of me wonders how long I've had this particular fibroid and if it is the reason the last two sessions didn't work.

I'll be glad to be going into the last try knowing that I have done everything I possibly can to make this round successful!

Next Steps

I've had quite a few people message me to ask what our next steps are going to be.

Let me start by apologizing for not posting sooner. As I have been using this as a personal journal, I forgot about friends who don't see me every day who have been following my blog to keep informed of our fertility journey.

At my last appointment I told our fertility specialist that Chris and I were going to give IUI/IVF one last try.

Our doctor suggested that before we try another round that I get another ultrasound as well another sonohysterogram. The ultrasound I was not concern about, however, the sonohysterogram is another story. The last time I had it done it was really painful and I was hoping that I wouldn't have to do it again.

If you have never had to experience a sonohysterogram consider yourself lucky! Here is a run down of the procedure: After a vaginal ultrasound my doctor will inject sterile water into my uterus and fallopian tubes via a narrow tube inserted through my cervix. The procedure checks for polyps, fibroids, lesions, masses, defects or scarring which could interfere with fertility.

I read online that most women don't experience very much discomfort with the procedure. I believe the reason I experienced so much pain was because my left fallopian tube seemed to be partially blocked. By having me move around on the table they were able to get the water out of it, but to say it was not fun would be an understatement.

I don't really need to prep for the procedure other than to take an antibiotic twice a day starting the day before the procedure. They also recommend that you take two Aleves an hour before.

I had to call them on the first day of my period to book the appointment. I got the call yesterday that they were able to get me an appointment for next Wednesday. Until then we need to prevent pregnancy (shouldn't be a problem!) and I also need to take a pregnancy test the morning of the procedure just in case.

If everything looks ok after the procdure we will go ahead with another medicated IUI round with the understanding that I would switch to IVF if we got enough egg follicles.

Here's hoping that the third time's the charm!

Perspective

So after my little pity party last night I went onto to Facebook to get my mind off of everything. While scrolling through my home page I found a touching video of a little girl singing to her mother who has cancer. If you haven't seen the video it is absolutely heart breaking.

The little girl McKenna sings a Martina McBride's song entitled "I'm Going to Love You Through It." The song is all about loving someone going through cancer. In the initial video McKenna surprised her mom by singing the song to her, but since then she sings it to her all the time.

Ellen Degeneres saw a video of her singing to her mom and then invited them onto her show. Ellen also invited Martina McBride to join McKenna in singing it to her mom.

If you haven't seen it here is the link:

 http://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/news/a47977/girl-sings-to-mom-fighting-cancer-on-ellen/

Talk about putting things into perspective!

Does it suck that Chris and I haven't been able to get pregnant again? YES!!!

Does it hurt every single day? YES!!

Do I wish that I could something to change it? YES!!

Could things be worse? YES!!

As awful as it is, I need to remind myself that we are healthy, that we are in a loving relationship, and that we have the love and support of so many family and friends.

Dark Clouds Looming

For the last few days I have been experiencing lower back pain.

On the weekend, Chris and I were winterizing our backyard, and for the last couple of days I kept trying to convince myself that it was because of the yard work that I was experiencing the pain.

Unfortunately, I know that I typically get lower back pain a week before I start my period.

Today all the doubt and worry came crashing down on me and I found myself crying while driving home from work. I just couldn't shake the feeling that yet again it wasn't going to work for us.

When I got home and walked into the door I scared poor Chris half to death.

After explaining what I was feeling he did exactly the right thing... he just held me.

After our hugging session I went to the washroom only to find red spotting... a lot of red spotting!

Definitely not what I was hoping to see!

I feel so frustrated, angry and unbelievably sad. 

I want to yell and scream about the unfairness of our situation. I want to lay on the floor and kick and scream like a two year old. But mostly, I want someone to give me a magical pill which will let us conceive and be able to stay pregnant.

So tonight I'm letting myself cry.

And if I need to I'll let myself cry again tomorrow... and the next night... and the next...

Until eventually I can build myself back up again.

Thankful

On Saturday, Chris and I hosted Thanksgiving dinner at our house. With my family living in New Brunswick and Chris's parents in B.C., we decided to invite a few of our friends to join us.

What a wonderful evening!

Not only did we have good food to eat (thanks to the help of our friend Matt), but we were also surrounded by great friends who have been so supportive to both me and Chris.


It was a good reminder that we have so much to be grateful for! 

If you are experiencing infertility, it can be easy to slip into the 'oh woe is me' mode. If you are not careful it can out shadow everything else in your life.

While I was getting ready for bed last night, I remembered an Oprah episode in which she was encouraging her audience to keep a daily gratitude journal. The idea was to write down five things that they were grateful for each and every day.

“The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now. And the more grateful you are, the more you get.”

— Oprah Winfrey

Here is a list of just of few of the things that I am grateful for:

1. My partner in everything, Chris
2. My loving family (including my fantastic in-laws!)
3. Our amazing friends
4. Our fur babies (Cujo and Leo)
5. My health, and the health of all my loved ones
6. Living in Canada
7. Actually having a fall this year (In Calgary we often skip fall and go straight to winter)
8. My job, that sometimes can be all consuming, but I couldn't imagine doing anything else
9. The internet, which allows me to stay in contact with my friends and family
10. Curling up with a good book

Nerves

This weekend my nerves finally kicked in.

Up until now I have been going along not really thinking too much about the possible outcomes.

Sunday morning I went in at 8:30 to have my blood work and ultrasound done. Because they were extremely busy, I was asked to go back at 10:30 to get my results.

When I went back they told me they wanted me to give myself another round of meds. Then on Monday I was to give myself a shot of Cetrotide to prevent me from ovulating early. At 11:00 p.m. Monday night I would be triggering, and that we would be doing the IUI on Wednesday.

Ever since I have been feeling like a cat on a hot tin roof.  I can't seem to keep my nerves under control.

I guess it's because I'm coming to the point of it being out of my control again.

I have one more shot to take and after Wednesday I will just have to wait and see.

Like last time I am trying to remain 'cautiously optomistic.' Although 20% isn't the best odds, it definitely beats the 5% we have on our own.

First, Second, Third...

Life is filled with so many wierd coincidences.

When I went for my first ultrasound and blood work I was first in line.
 
When I went for my second ultrasound and blood work I was second in line.
 
And yes, you guessed it,  today when I went for my third ultrasound and blood work I was third in line!
 
Such a strange coincidence!
 
I am happy to report that I got good news at my appointment. My follicles are growing nicely. In fact, the doctor on call stated that he thinks I'll be able to trigger Sunday night and have the IUI procedure done on Tuesday.

I have another ultrasound Sunday morning and I will know more then.
 
I can't believe how quickly everything is happening this round. Last time I was told I have slow growing follicles, but the new medication cycle seems to be working better for me.

Finger's crossed this will be the cycle we have been praying for.