Silver Linings

Sometimes I am amazed at the human spirit.

With everything that we go through it is incredible that we can still have hope.

After finding out that we were going to miscarry again I wasn't sure if I would ever have hope again.

It wasn't until afterwards that I was able to start to see some silver linings.

The first was the knowledge that I am surrounded by friends and family who are unbelievably supportive and kind. My amazing family called to check on me everyday and offered to jump on the next plan to be with me. My friends called, honored my wishes when I said I needed space, and then showed up at my door with a care package of pre-made meals and much needed hugs.

The other realization was that I didn't care about having to use donor eggs. Initially I had to go through a bit of a mourning period before we decided to use donor eggs. It was hard to give up the hope of having a child that was genetically linked to me.

After I got pregnant, however, I didn't once think about it. I was simply overjoyed to be pregnant.

From the moment I found out, in my head and especially in my heart, it was OUR baby.

Finally we've found a next step which I'll write about it in my next post.

Not Viable

 We did not get the news that we were praying for.

On Monday we went in for our ultrasound hoping that our baby's heartbeat had gotten stronger.

Unfortunately, they weren't able to find a heartbeat at all.

Not only was there no heartbeat, but they also said that our pregnancy had regressed.

I think the worst part for me was the devastation that I saw on Chris's face.

He stayed so positive throughout this whole ordeal. In fact he was initially excited when we first saw the ultrasound because he could see the gestational sack and thought the baby was fine. When she told us she couldn't find the heartbeat he looked shocked and then shattered.

After the ultrasound we went upstairs and talked with our fertility doctor. She expressed her condolences and made another appointment for me for next week.

After the ultrasound I stopped the estrogen and progesterone. Now it will be just a wait game. I haven't started bleeding yet and have no idea when it will start.

I took today off work, but am planning to go back tomorrow.

I don't think I can handle sitting around waiting for the miscarriage. Last time it took weeks before it started and lasted about a week.

Although I couldn't seem to stop crying yesterday, today I have been feeling completely numb. 

I want to thank all my amazing friends and family who have been so supportive. I honestly don't know what I would do without you all.

Ongoing

It has been so hard for me to write this post.

Last Friday I went in to have my ultrasound with both my husband and my dad.

We were overjoyed to see our baby and to actually be able to see its heartbeat.

Our joy soon turned to confusion and fear when our technician explained that our baby was measuring 6 weeks and 1 day instead of 7 weeks. She also went on to tell us that our heartbeat was low at 73 instead of being over 100.

They explained that there is a chance that the heart rate can increase and we could still have a normal pregnancy, but that there is cause for concern that it will not be a viable pregnancy.

They contacted the Regional Fertility Clinic to let them know the results of our ultrasound.

We were asked to go upstairs where we waited for about an hour to talk to one of the doctors working.

When we finally got in it was completely awful. The doctor we saw had absolutely no bed side manner. I know they need to be honest with us, however, he immediately told us that we need to prepare that we were going to have a miscarriage.

Chris was so upset he interrupted him to explain that I had been through this before and that we didn't need to hear all this negativity. He went on to say that we would have appreciated some positively or at least been given a glimmer of hope.

We left devastated and with me in tears.

I have another ultrasound booked for Monday.

Now all I can do is pray for a miracle... and yet again, I am asking for all your prayers as well. 

Higher

Wednesday morning, in the middle of working, I finally got the call to let me know the results of my blood work.

At first they simply said they wanted me to continue taking my meds.

When I inquired about my HCG levels the nurse told me that they had raised again. With further inquiry I found out they rose to 2139.

When I asked whether those numbers were o.k., she responded that they were rising well, but that we would know more after my ultrasound.

So here I remain in limbo.

I have an appointment with my family doctor tomorrow to let him know what is happening. (The Regional Fertility Clinic advised me to make the appointment.)

Again I am trying to remain positive and will just have to wait to see what happens next Thursday.

So again, I am asking for your thoughts and prayers.

No News

This morning I woke up early to get to the Lab Services before they opened. The clinic opens at 6:30 and I arrived around ten after six. Imagine my surprise when there was actually 11 people in front of me waiting!

Luckily I did get finished in enough time to get to work on time.

I kept my phone with me all afternoon (something I never do), but unfortunately I didn't hear anything from the Regional Fertility Clinic.

When they gave me the results last Friday, the nurse on the phone did mention that I would have the blood work taken today and then get the results tomorrow. I was, of course, hoping that I would find out this afternoon.

I'm now hoping that I will find out first thing tomorrow morning before I go to work. I have to work to until around 8;30 p.m. tomorrow so I hope it is good news. I can't imagine how I'll get through the day if it is bad!

Still rising

On Friday morning I went again to have my blood work taken.

My wait was much longer than it was on Tuesday. Of course, the longer I waited the more my nerves started kicking in.

The woman who took my blood commented on the fact that I had been there the other day and asked if I had to return again.

I filled her in on what was happening and she kindly told me that it was a good sign that they were rising.

After the blood work I went home and tried to keep myself occupied while waiting to see if I was going to hear the results.

By 3:00 I felt like a cat on a hot tin roof!

When I finally got the phone call it was mixed news yet again...

My levels rose. This time to 717  YAY!!!

It is great news that they are going up, unfortunately they are still slightly lower than they would like. BOO!!!

So yet again I need to go for blood work. They've asked me to go again on Tuesday.

The nurse did tell me to make an appointment with my family doctor and to let him know that I am pregnant. She also booked an ultrasound appointment for me on March 30.

I'm thinking (hoping) that it is positive that they got me to make an appointment with my doctor. The nurse also mentioned that they are really picky about the HSG levels at the clinic.

So here I am in lingo once again with my fingers crossed and asking for still more prayers.

IVF and Ectopic Pregnancy

My cousin Candace, like me, didn't understand how it was even possible to have an ectopic pregnancy when you have IVF.

I thought if they are putting the fertilized eggs directly into my uterus how could they end up in my fallopian tubes since they are not even traveling through them?

So I did a google search and here is what I found out:

"Fertility specialists believe that ectopic pregnancy may occur if, when the embryos are transferred to the womb, they are placed too high in the womb cavity. The embryos then have a greater chance of "wandering" and implanting themselves in places where they are not supposed to be, such as the fallopian tubes. Embryos could also make their way into the fallopian tubes if they are injected into the womb with too much force."            -Women's Health

The rates for an ectopic pregnancy are slightly higher with IVF, but to put it into perspective it is only a 2 - 5% risk. In a natural pregnancy it is a 1 -2 % risk.

While researching I also found out that ectopic pregnancies can take place when the embryo implants in the cervix, an ovary or even in the abdomen. The reason why we typically hear about them implanting in the fallopian tubes is that it is more common, and also because it can be very dangerous and even life-threatening for the mother.

Symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy are:

Light vaginal bleeding
Nausea and vomiting with pain
Lower abdominal pain
Sharp abdominal cramps
Pain on one side of your body
Dizziness or weakness
Pain in your shoulder, neck, or rectum

If you are pregnant and experience any of these symptoms you should immediately seek medical help.

*p.s. I'm trying to remain positive. I'm still praying and hoping that this pregnancy will be successful!